We tried..and we failed

I thought we were doing well preventing Ai-Vy from getting sick, especially with Ky-An getting better and she showed no signs. Unfortunately I was wrong. She started throwing up at 7 p.m. tonight and hasn't stop since. She threw up another 5 times and it's now only 10:30. It's so sad when I put her down to sleep and her mouth keep on opening looking for her bottle of milk. The poor thing is probably wondering why we won't give her the bottle tonight. I got so sad thinking how much she's going to suffer the next few days and how much work it's going to be to care for her that emotions overwhelmed me and I started to cry. I thought about how she depends on her bottles before naptime and now she can't even have them. She's not going to be able to sleep and I am not sure how to sneak water in her like we do with Ky-An. I hate the image of her laying exhausted and almost lifeless like how Ky-An has been. Ky-An can at least communicate with us but she won't be able to say anything at all. I get so sad thinking about all that.

Whenever the kids get really sick like this, all the images of what we went through with Lan Vy come spilling back to me. Because of these images, I end up scaring myself even more about their illness. I thought about what I would do if another child is taking away from me and I honestly don't think I am emotionally sound to handle it. Times like these remind me of all the trivial things that I took for granted such as them asking for their milk, eating and refusing to eat, their laughs, their playfulness, and their tantrums. At least with all these things they have the energy to do so and not lay there exhausted. I just pray and hope that the kids will be better soon.

Ai-Vy’s first time-out

I had to put AV in a timeout this evening b/c she didn't listen to me.  It was traumatic for her because it’s her first real one.  She was wailing, throwing a tantrum, and crying hysterically. My poor son came up to me, tapped me on my shoulder, and whispered to me at the verge of tears: “mommy you have to take care of her okay.”  He could barely get the words out because he was almost crying.  It was the sweetest and saddest thing I’ve seen. 

Poor Ai-Vy was still upset past her bedtime and still whimpers as she drift off to sleep.

Sucker or Humanitarian?

I am usually against handing out money to homeless panhandlers on the street. I never really give them a second look and always figure they can go get help at the shelters I donate to. That was my same reaction when I first saw this elder gentlemen at the corner of the street where I work. His sign said “Vietnam Vet, need help until next disability check.” I watch him as I stopped at the red light. Vietnam vets always touch a soft spot in my heart because I am very grateful to all the soldiers who fought for our democracy. In fact, I admire all marine/navy/air force men and women.

Anyway as I watched him, he seem like he’s healthy. He didn’t seem to be suffering too much so I drove home guiltless.

I saw him again today and watch him again while I wait on the red light. Today his t-shirt is drenched in sweat because it’s a hot day out. I noticed a little veteran card he attached to a corner of his sign and that touch my heart. First because I have deep respect for Vietnam vet as I mentioned above. Second is because he took the effort to attach his card trying to prove to people that he’s not really con man. He looks like a normal older gentlemen. By normal I meant he doesn’t look like he’s drunk, no glassy eyes to show that he’s on drug. He’s overall a clean cut man so why the disability? Maybe something mental perhaps? The look on his face is of someone who is defeated.

I made the decision to roll down my window and give him 4 $1 bills. He looks grateful as he received my money but that could be gratefulness for drug money or for alcohol..who knows. I don’t feel any better doing so nor any worst. If he’s a man who really needs help then I don’t feel that I’ve done enough. I just hope God watches over him if I had failed.

Anniversary Date

We were going to go to Vegas for our 10th anniversary and renew our vows in a cheesy wedding chapel. However seeing as how Ai-Vy and Ky-An still wakes up at night looking for us and would cry if it’s anyone else; we decide to postpone the trip.

We did rewrite our vows to one another and Hieu posted this funny note

We took the day off to celebrate instead. Hieu got me 2 bouquets instead of one because he said he liked both of them and can’t decide.

This one lasted about one day..so wasn’t worth the money.

We then headed down to the Blue Bell factory to tour the facility. Too bad we can’t bring any ice cream back as they would be tubs of liquid if we do.

There was a huge storm as we tried to drive to the vineyard for lunch so we had to pull to the side of the road and waited for about 20 minutes before we can be on our way.

We ordered a bottle of Messina Almond Champagne to celebrate with our lunch. Lunch did not taste great but it’s great to be at a vineyard and we really did enjoy the wine.

The vineyard:

We even met the winery owners Paul and Merrill Bonarrigo.

They signed a bottle of Reisling for us: “To Hieu & Chau, Happy Anniversary...”

Of course, what trip away from the kids without guilty gifts :)Wearing the hat we got from the our Blue Bell tour.

She loves the $36 (can you say guilt?) cow we got her from Blue Bell that sings her favorite song “Ole McDonald Had a Farm”.

My own princess:

Ky-An got an ice cream toy..because you know, they don’t have enough toys. He asked for the real one as we gave this to him.

With daddy:

Then the other kids want to get in on the picture with their pose.

Happy Birthday Sweet Lan-Vy!! You will always live in our hearts!!

This is the 5th anniversary of Lan Vy's death.I should have a 5 year old child who is starting school and have a whole new world to explore. Instead..she will forever be in my memory as a newborn baby.

Hieu decide to have a family day today so I was busy all day with the kids and this is the first time I had to reflect on my first-born daughter. For those who don't know the story, I've posted about it previously here and here. We had a nice day today, took the kids to the cementery to visit their older sister and their grandpa. The entire trip there we were busy breaking up fights on who gets to hold the birthday balloon we bought so that was fun. We then went to have a nice lunch. Ky-An asked for crab so we got him the dungeness one they had for $35! Yes we splurged but it's such a special day that I let it happen. (Our kids love seafood and Hieu said that will be an expensive taste). We then went home for them to take a nap and headed out to the Children's musem and then dinner.

While it was nice to have a family day, that's not what I wanted today. I think I'll take the day off and be by myself with my thoughts next year. I'd like to sit and look over her old things, read the old cards that people sent to us, re-live the moments we had with her, spend more time at the cementery, and have a good cry.

My biggest regret during her short life is not able to spend more time with her. There are many reasons why I couldn't, the first was that I wasn't physically strong enough after a traumatic surgery. Hieu had to cart me around in a wheelchair to visit her. Every bump on the road was painful, sitting in the car is sore, and even sitting in the wheelchair putting pressure on my cut caused pain. I didn't have the strength to be out long and didn't regain my strength until 4 months later. I literally couldn't walk down the hall without taking a break to rest. Because of my physcial limitation, it also force Hieu to be apart from her and I will have to forever live with that. These reasons could be valid but your emotions doesn't necessarily agree with your logic. Regrets will always be regrets.

Lan Vy was hooked up to wires and tubes so the best I could do was cradle my arms around her body. She's usually drowsy and tired because of all the drugs they had to give to her. I remember the last day I visited her, they had finally took the breathing tube out of her mouth. She started crying and it's the first time I've heard my baby cried since I gave birth to her. It's so beautiful like music to my ears, this little hoarse cry coming out of her. Hearing a newborn cry still gets me today. It's such a beautiful and miraculous sound that people don't appreciate enough. I started singing to her and she opened her eyes for a little to look at me. I think that's the moment we bonded.

The sadest memory for me is the first time I get to hold her is when I also the last. You just can't imagine that feeling..the joy of finally holding your baby in your arms, and the devastation of knowing it will be the last time. The fact that I couldn't hold her while she was alive eats at me. I still remember that feeling when they put her in my arms. I've been yearning to hold her for so long so I was happy when they handed her over. She looked so peaceful with no wires and no hoses in her...like she's peacefully asleep. She was finally free and I was relieved for her. Grief took over as I hand her to the doctors and a part of me went with her that day. The image of Hieu unable to let go of her little body will forever imprint in my mind. He wanted to stay there with her and I wanted to go home. I wanted get out of the hospital. I wanted to go home and be as far away from that place as I can...the place that I just watched my baby died at.

The reason I choose her birthday to remember instead of the day of her death is because I want it to be a happy memory. I want to celebrate the short life she had, not mourn her death.
Around her birthday every year, I start getting emotional. I can be fine and happy all year long but some how around May, I get really sad. I still miss her and I think about her throughout the year. Whenever I look at my kids, especially Ai-Vy, I see Lan Vy in them. Sadness washes over me with these thoughts. I silently thank her for bringing them to me and know that she will always watch over them to keep them safe.

Remembering Lan Vy reminds me how fragile life is and how your life can change in minutes. It make me realize how blessed I am just to live a healthy life. Think of all the obstacles that people took for granted just to be here today. When you are pregnant, your baby can have many birth defects or developing issues. Your baby is growing vital organs such as brain, heart, intestines, lungs, nervous system, spinal system, skeletal system, and many more. It's just amazing all the things that get developed during that short 9 months. If your baby is lucky enough to have all these intricate systems develop correctly, then he or she have to go through childbirth where it can lead to death of the baby and/or the mom, complications that leads to disabilities or death, and many number of things.

Once you held your baby in your arm, there is the infant death syndrome, suffication, vision problem, hearing problem, mobility problem, autisim, allergies, mental heath, cancer, and social development to worry about. There are also external risks such as car accidents, household accidents, plane crashes, drowning, fire, storms, guns, and bad influences. Every healthy child who grows into an adult is truly miraculous and I wish everyone would realize that.

Remembering Lan Vy helps me appreciate the two beings who I get to see and hold everyday. Remember Lan Vy reminds me to thankful as I watch them sleep peacefully next to me because that means they are safe and healthy. I am so grateful that they don't live in a country or environment where their lives are in danger. I am so blessed that my kids are their innocent selves and the biggest worry they have is who's going to get the toy. Rememebering Lan Vy enable me to make time for my family everyday and to show them how much I love them. This is how Lan Vy will live on. Through all the lessons that she taught me and through the two siblings she brought to me.

"Mommy loves you sweetheart. I can't wait until the day when I can see you and hold you in my arms again. There is always a place in my heart that is reserved for you and it will be empty until I see you again. This time when I get to hold you, I am not letting go."

Early Mother’s Day celebration

I had a great day today.  I first went with Ky-An to his school for Mom and Muffin Breakfast.  He was so happy that I sat down and ate with him.  The teachers were so sweet as they wrapped up a table for us moms and decorated it.  They also helped the kids decorated a flower pot with the words “MOM” coming out of it.  Each kid also did a hand imprint on tile that they wrapped up and tie with a ribbon to present to us.  As the teachers gave us our presents and the moms wish each other Happy Mother’s Day, Ky-An looked up at me and give me his biggest most innocent smile and said “Happy Mother’s Day”.  As he said that, he leaned in for a hug and give me a kiss.  This was unprompted and so very sweet that it kept me smiling all day.  Hieu has given me expensive presents on Mother’s Day before but this is just incomparable.  It’s the most priceless present I received and I am so glad I took a mental picture of it to replay in my head.

I took half a day today to pamper myself.  I am in desperate need of it and figure I deserve it. :P  I got a pedicure, did some shopping to get work clothes as well as some clothes for the kids (how can I forget them).  After shopping I went to get a much needed haircut at visible change.  Here’s my new haircut:

I then treat myself to a bucket of crawfish at Rajun Cajun and called it a day.  I am surprise at myself for blowing over $250 in one day!  It’s such a rare occasion to not worry about coupons for once and just splurge.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for my couponing hobby and this is proof of how it pays off.  I save my money on grocery and beauty items so I can spend them somewhere else that’s more fun.

Hieu came home after picking up the kids and they each were holding 1 dozen of red rose for me!!  So sweet.  Hieu arranged them in this vase for me since I have no artistic bone in my body! 
 
  

Hieu then present me with this wonderful video and I had both kids on my lap as I watched it.  It made me tear up and if I weren’t holding them at the time, I would’ve start bawling. It’s so sad to see how fast my babies are grown and how bless I am to have them in my life.  I did think of Lan Vy as i was watching the video with the kids on my lap. I know she brought her two wonderful siblings to me but I still wish she’s here with me.

I love you my babies.  Be healthy, be smart, be thoughtful, and above all..be happy.

Work sucks!!!

My work is sucking so bad right now that I don’t enjoy going to work anymore.  I still love what I am doing but my assistant is the source of all my stress.

I’ve always thought I am a good leader, but work is making me re-think my skills.  I’ve always take the lead throughout school, all my jobs in college, and even was President of the sorority leading 18 girls.  I was also Pledge Mom for 1 semester teaching and guiding 8 new girls to become a part of our organization.  During this time, I’ve done loads of public speeches at formals and travel to our sister college campuses to make speeches.  Even within the U of H campus, I’ve attend other organization’s events and make speeches there.  I never thought in a million years that I have a communication problem!!! Seriously..are you kidding me??!!  Somehow I’ve been with at this place for 6 years and now suddenly has lost my communication skill.

It all started with me hiring this assistant from a great company.  My first clue of something not right is when he was let go from this company we worked with and contacted me to apply for a job.  However, his supervisor gave him a great reference and assured us there was nothing fishy about him being let go so I trusted it.  In hindsight I think the right questions was just not asked to him.  Since I didn’t do the reference call, I can’t tell what was asked nor said, just what was relayed to me.  My biggest regret is not listening to my instinct when I wasn’t happy with his performance after working with him at the other company.  I just dismissed as an isolated incident.

After messing up project after projects and counsel after counsel, I wanted to let him go after he majorly screw up a simple technical task.  This is a task even college students in our field knows how to do.  He claim that he failed at all these projects because of communications problem. Then somehow his incompetencies turn into faults of mine..my expectations of him is too high; I shouldn’t worry about the details if the web page looks okay (again..seriously??!!!!); that I nitpick too much in which I tried to explain I have to in my field. It doesn’t help when your boss doesn’t understand your line of work.

So if I lower my expectation and he screw up, is it going to be somehow my fault again because I didn’t supervise him?  If I don’t worry about the details of the page and the page has an error, wouldn’t I be the one who look bad?

This just bring back memory of growing up and being the middle child.  I could never be right in any situation.  I am just so frustrated and unsatisfy right now.  I don’t feel that I am being valued at work nor anyone appreciate my hard work.  I’ve been happy at this place until now and I don’t feel my boss support me nor stand up for me in front of upper management.  She’s a great friend but but maybe I’ve stayed at this place too long and it’s time to explore other options.

My birthday, my life – Growing up with two cultures

Growing up in America was the most confusing and probably the darkest period of my life. My parents raised us with the traditional values that their parents taught them. They also expect us to be respectful as their parents expect of them. We were never to answer back when our parents yelled at us, even if they are wrong. We are never to protest when we get punish, even if it’s unjust. We are never to walk away when they are talking to us, no matter what it is. We are to respect our elders and forgive the younger ones. Being a middle child, that just mean you can never win a fight with your sisters nor ever be right.

However I was taught the opposite at school. I was suppose to speak up when something is wrong and the teachers expect that of me. I was suppose to look people straight in the eye when I speak to them. I tried it at home and got spank for being disrespectful. The more things I learn from school, the more I get spank at home. It doesn’t help that my two older sisters are good, obedient children who always as they are told. I am the one who always challenge them. I got the worst of the culture clash and couldn’t tell what’s right anymore. I got hit so much as I was growing up that I became rebellious, angry, and detached. (In my dad’s defense, he was under tremendous stress when we all first came to the US. He had to work 3 jobs to support the family of 6 and have 4 rowdy girls to keep in line while trying to get some rest. The sleep-deprivation and stress makes him very hot-tempered and wasn’t himself.)

High school was the worst time because I had became so rebellious and out-of-control that my parents basically gave up on me. I am just thankful I had the sense to never let my grades fail, no matter what was going on at home. My parents wanted me to grow up the way they grew up and I couldn’t do it because I’ve adapt the American culture. I always talk back to my dad whenever I disagree with him and that threw him into an angry fit every time. It’s a slap in public, a spanking in front of all my sisters, or a death threat. The one time that I vividly remember is when he couldn’t find some old phone and accused me of giving it to my boyfriend at the time. I don’t know what he’s talking about but I am suppose to keep quiet while he goes on this angry rant and demean me. I can’t be that person so I talked back. Talking back means disrespect and he went on this angry rampage. He slapped me and threw me around against the wall. I was hard-headed and just look at him in hatred. I refuse to cry, ask him to stop, nor yell for help. I just stare at him in silent hatred while he beat me. This fuel his anger even more and he punched me in the stomach twice, knocking the wind out of me. That’s the only time in my life that I had ever been punch in my stomach. I remember I was sharing the room with my oldest sister and she got scared and run out when he came in full of rage. I am wasn’t angry at my sister, even at the time. She was just as scared as I was and I didn’t want her to get involve. I think a part of them think that I brought it upon myself, and maybe I did.

After he got tired of beating me, he went to his room and I heard him trying to get the gun and cocking it. He told my mom that he’s going to kill me and I heard them fighting in their room. I just sat in my room with no emotion and cold. The whole time he was hitting me, all I had in my head was “the worst he can do is kill me” and I wasn’t scare.

My mom managed to get him to calm down and stayed in his room. I put all my things in 3 large trash bags, get out on the street and called my closest friend of the time to come pick me up. It was the first time I ran away thinking I would never come back.

I stayed at my friend’s mom’s house and my mom came looking for me the next day. I was black and blue all over my body and couldn’t walk upright from the punches. I felt bad that my mom has to come get me and that I made her cry but I wasn’t planning to come back home. She asked me the realistic question of where will I stay? I said here and she said “you can’t stay here forever and have her mom take care of you.” That’s when it hit me that I haven’t plan too far ahead. She’s right, I really can’t stay there long-term and I don’t think my friend’s mom wants that burden. My mom begged me to come home and she was crying so I agreed to do so for her. I came home and my dad was sitting in the living room. He tried to tell me in so many words that he didn’t want to hurt me..that no parent wants to hurt their child..I didn’t remember what else because those words mean nothing to me. The worst of it is that I had to APOLOGIZE to him for leaving the house. I knew it was wrong and every stubborn bone in my body protest. I had to swallow all of them down to do it for my mom.

I became super rebellious the rest of my high school years. They pushed, I push back harder. I was determine to do everything opposite of what my parents said because I have this intense hatred for them. I was very angry with everything in my life and no one who understands what I am going through. I sneak out of the house in a frequent basis. One time in my senior year, I snuck out every single day for the entire week. My mom caught me one but I didn’t care. I don’t do anything bad when I snuck out, just go over a friend’s house to watch a movie or drive around with some friends listening to music. However to my parents, I was a slut. I hung out with bad friends, I started smoking but quickly stop. My oldest sister saw me smoking in the backyard once and she started crying asking me to stop. No matter how rebellious I was, I am still extremely close with my sisters because we all face the same parenting issues. I didn’t want to disappoint my sister so I stop at her request. I don’t know how I have the sense to keep my grades up and stayed off drugs during this time. I am just thankful I did.

I met Hieu in my sophmore year in college. My parents didn’t like him at first because he’s from the North and we are South Vietnamese. It’s just that old prejudice from generations before. He was a poor student so he comes to our house almost everyday to have dinner without bringing anything and they think he’s mooching. He grew up in the US so he doesn’t know all the ettiquettes and proper manners that is expected of Vietnamese guests. One time he left the door in the powder room and my older sister made a comment to my mom about how he can never “get it right”. I was with Hieu on the first floor and can clearly hear them. I was embarrass and mad so I went upstairs to confront them. It turned out to be this huge fight and Hieu was caught in the middle of it. I decide that night to move out with him. I have had enough of my parent’s rules and righteousness.

Hieu came the next morning with his friend’s truck to help me move my stuff. My little sister was napping after coming home from school and I woke her up to say goodbye. I am closest to her so as soon as I said I am leaving, I can see tears welled up in her eyes and she started crying. She asked if I had to leave and I said yes, I can’t stand it anymore. As I was getting up to leave, my oldest sister came home and saw me. She is the one I am second closest to so it was hard for me. She tried to stop me but couldn’t so she called my dad to ask him for help. The message he relay to me was “tell her to give back the house key.” That fuel my anger more and further convince me that I made the right decision. I told my sister “with pleasure” and hugged her to leave. As soon as I walk out of the house, the emotions washed over me I stood in front of the house hugging Hieu and sobbing uncontrollably. He held me like that for a long time.

The first three months I moved in with Hieu was the saddest for me. I wasn’t allow to see my sisters nor talk to them. I had to sneak around and talk with my little sister on the phone whenever I knew my parents aren’t home. I wasn’t allow to come to family functions anymore so on Mother’s Day, I left my mom some flowers at their front door with a note. I miss my sisters terribly and was crying everyday. I felt like I left a part of me back at my parent’s house. My life was just not complete.

My mom called me after she got the flowers and tell me and Hieu to come by for dinner. She also told me that the only way I can come back to see my sisters again is if not only I apologize to my parents, but also Hieu. They felt that Hieu shouldn’t have encourage me to leave the way I did but he was really just an innocent bystander. At this time I was willing to do anything to be in contact with my sisters again, even swallowing all my pride. Hieu protest about his apology but did it because he loves me. We went to my parent’s house for dinner and both of us had to stand in front of them to apologize for me leaving. It’s the second time I stood in front of my dad to apologize and not meant a single word.

I think me moving out was the best thing for everyone, no matter how hard it was at the time. I grew up and matured after living on my own and start understand my parents a little more. I encouraged all my other sisters to move out and my mom was mad at me each time they do but she gets over it. I eventually gain their respect and they start calling me whenever they have a problem with my little sister.

I don’t have the closest relationship with my parents currently but we all get along just fine. I am probably the one they think they can count on the most, which is very ironic. I don’t hold any ill wills towards my parents, especially my dad. He’s a different person now and I leave all the ugliness in the past. I don’t hold a grudge against them because I think they struggled with the culture clash as much as I did. I can only imagine how difficult it is to adjust when everything you were taught is now challenged. That may also be why I chose not to hit my kids but try to teach them with love and nurture. Maybe I am too Americanize for my own good. ^_^

School pics and Ky-An’s progress

I dreaded the second day of school because I fear after the excitement of the first day wore off, he’ll realize he has to be at school every day and starts crying.  I was happily wrong and he was still eager to go to school the second day.

The third day was hard because he starts crying as soon as I pull up to the school.  I took him in class and I’ve never seen him cry so hard.  I made the mistake of sticking around hoping to calm him down a little.  The teacher even got a mat out for him to lie down and give him his blanket.  He calmed down a little but as soon as I make any move to leave, he gets all worked up again.  I finally asked the teacher if it’s better for me to just do a clean break and she said yes.  I bite my lips and tears to calmly and brightly said goodbye to him, ignoring his wails.  I smiled to him and said goodbye and left.  It was so sad because they had to hold him down when he try to run after me.  I hung around outside the classroom for a little looking through the one-way glass to make sure he’s okay.  After he looks like he has settle down, I quickly left and trying to hold all my emotions inside.

Hieu came by the school to check on our little man everyday for 2 weeks during his lunch break.  This past Monday Hieu came a little late just as they are settling down for his nap.  He called me very emotional as he tell how our little guy was crying so hard and twisting his ears until it’s red at naptime.  He asked the teacher why he’s crying and she said he cries every day.  He asked her where is Ky-An’s blanket and she has this look on her face that tells him she has no idea what he’s talking about. 

We were both so upset to find out that I’ve packed his blanket for the past week and no one has bother to get it out of the bag to give it to him.  He has no comfort item during this difficult transition time.  I followed the instructions they gave in their booklet to put his comfort item in the bag and the teachers will take it out for him at nap time.  No wonder he cries as I put his blanket in the bag every morning.  It pains me to imagine how scary the transition has been for him with no familiar item.  They made me a liar to my son because I promise him every day that he’ll have it for nap time.

Hieu talked to the Director and the Regional Director about how upset he was.  They apologized and give him the typical canned excuses.  They are sorry..there was a miscommunication..they’ll talk to the teacher…Ky-An will get his blanket everyday..if any problems please talk to them or email them..blah blah blah.

I called the Director because I was upset and to make sure they know it is a big deal to us.  It may be a small issue but it’s the whole world to Ky-An.  They tried to tell me that I should’ve communicate with the front desk that he has a comfort item so they can be sure to tell the teacher.  My argument was that it was instructed in their booklet and I followed it.  I didn’t think I have to inform them to follow their procedure.  I told them I dropped my son off everyday expecting him to be taken care of and now I feel that he has been suffering.  If they have a miscommunication with the teachers about this then how do I know what other things fail through these miscommunications.  They apologized and assured me that they will talk to the teacher and this will never happen again.

I stopped by the front desk when I came to pick up Ky-An, still extremely upset. I asked them if they found what the issue was of why Ky-An didn’t get his blanket.  The owner’s daughter explained to me that they spoke to the teacher and it seem that since it’s an older class, none of the kids have a comfort item so the teacher is so used not checking that she didn’t think to check Ky-An’s bag.  She told me they’ve talked to the teacher and Ky-An will be given his blanket every day.  She said that they will work with the communication and asked that I do the same.  If I find anything that I don’t feel is right then please communicate it with the front staff.

I am a little more comfortable with the school after the owner’s daughter apologized and addressed the problem with me.  If they had been passive about it then I would seriously consider my school choice.  We are not unreasonable people so I can see how the teacher could’ve overlooked this.  Furthermore, he seems to be fine and happy the rest of the day so we can overlook this.  Hieu loves that Ky-An can do so much art and crafts that we know he love but rarely get a chance to do at home.  Even though I am giving the school another chance, I am still going to keep a close eye on them to make sure Ky-An is taking care of properly.  I am teaching my kids to respect the teachers and its staff but you can bet I will be his best advocate if he is mistreated in any way. 

So sleepy...

Ky-An's First Day Tomorrow!

I have been preparing all week and all day today for Ky-An's first week for school.  I think I am prepare but still dread the anticipated emotional stress of leaving him with a bunch of strangers.  I pray that he will do well and won't even notice that I was gone.  My worst fear is that he'll start crying and look at me as if I am abandoning him.  How do you explain to a small child that you are leaving him with a bunch of strangers but it's okay?  Please trust that mommy will be back for you?  I know it's one of those developmental milestone that they have to go through but it just doesn't make it any easier.  I asked Hieu to drop by tomorrow and peek to see how he's doing during lunch.  I just hope he just love school and never notice I was gone all day. 

Ky-An is starting school!!!

We didn't think Ky-An will get to go to school until June when there's an opening.  I was so happy when they called this weekend to say that a family is moving away and Ky-An can start whenever!! Yeah!!!  We decide to have him start on March 9th to give everyone a week got adjust and for me to try and prepare him. 

I switched my work schedule to working everyday to come home an hour earlier to pick up Ky-An and prepare dinner.  I used to work 9 hours a day and get every other Friday.  I will miss those Fridays terribly but we all have to make sacrifices. 

We got the application from the school and find a nice surprising increase in his tuition; $100 more per month to be exact.  Turns out it's because he can't totally go to the bathroom by himself yet so he has to be in a younger class.  Hopefully this tuition increase is just for a few months and he'll be ready to move to the older class. As long as he's happy and like the school then everything will be worth it.

I am having mixed feelings about him starting school.  A part of me is very excited for him and hope he will have lots of fun at the school.  Another part just want to hang on to him a little longer and keep him my baby.  I realize that is selfish and I need to let my son grow and fulfill his knowledge cravings...but still..*whine* :(

My birthday, my life - First day in a new country

I still remember the day we land in America. It was December 15, 1985. My dad had warn my mom to prepare us for the cold so she had an old lady knit us all brand new thick sweaters. We found out later that those sweaters are no protection against the winter in Houston.

The flight is over 20 hours so my mom gave us all cough medicine when we board the plane. We didn't know what it was and I just remember being really tired on the plane and don't remember much of it. In hindsight I completely understand why she would want to subdue us. She's a tiny woman traveling inter-continental with four small girls and all our lives packed up in suitcases. It probably did make the trip easier for all of us.

My mom woke me up as our plane land in San Francisco, CA. I remember they herd us through the airport, each of us have a nametag on us. Some charity handed out coats to everyone and we were so thankful because we have never experience such cold weather. They took us to a hotel and fed us dinner in the lobby. I believe it was broiled chicken and an apple. I've never had a plate of just meat to eat and it being so tasteless. I tried the apple and it didn't taste like any of the sweet fruits back home. We all ate about two bites and watch as they take all our full plates away, mesmerized by this new country where they threw away so much food without batting an eye.

They took us to hotel room and we felt like we are in the most luxurious resort. I remember all of us running place to place exclaiming about everything. The first thing we notice is the carpet. I remember it being so soft on my feet and I felt pampered just walking on it. (Now I won't even walk in those hotel room without slippers.) We then got excited about how not only is there indoor water, but hot water that comes out of the faucet!!! We lay on the bed and it just sink in and it's so nice, not those hard board we use as bed or the floor. I usually recall this experience to make sure I never take my life here for granted.

We stayed at San Francisco for the night and board another plane to Houston the next morning. There's much excitement this morning because my mom told us that dad will pick us up. We haven't seen our dad nor hear his voice in over four years so we pretty much grew up without him. My little sister has never seen my dad except in pictures so the word "dad" is just some illusion to her. She looked at my older sisters with interest and curious as to what the excitement was about. I myself didn't fully understand why my sisters were so excited either. To me "dad" was just a man who used to play with us and someone who I am suppose to respect. I had no idea who this man is as a person.

I wish I had remember what my mom's reaction was or how it was when she finally saw my dad for the first time after so long. I can only imagine the emotions running through her body and what a difficult time they both had to try and reconnect. The only thing I remember as soon as the plane land and my two older sister ran past us to look for dad. I hang back with my mom and she was holding my little sister. We got off the plane and I saw my sister was holding some man's hand. The dragged him over and told me say hello to dad. I shyly say hi to him and my aunt. He reached over to my little sister and tries to hold her but she quickly pulled back and started crying. Sadly, she never develop a bond with him, even through her adulthood.

We all cram into a four-door Oldsmobile Cutlass that my dad just bought in preparation of us coming over. We have never been in an automobile for so long before and I got carsick on the way home. We got back to his "home" and thought it was a so nice. In reality, it was just a two-bedroom apartment that was barely furnished. We marveled over the carpet again and everyone take turn bombarding my dad with questions. I remember thinking my dad is so wealthy and was amazed that he has TWO television in the house. I asked him how to turn that TV on and that's when I learned there is such a thing as a microwave. My dad then brought out a big bag of candy he bought for us in all varieties. We never had such treats and it was like Christmas! Needless to say my little sister warm up to him very quickly after that.

The saddest moment is after we ate the candy and my little sister said she wanted to go home to grandma. My mom tried to tell her that we are home but she said no! Grandma said when she's done eating all the candies then come back to Grandma so she needs to go home to grandma and then started crying.

My birthday, my life - Coming to America

Four years after my dad left, we finally got the passports to go to America!  This was after a grueling interview process, the countless bribes to the officials to let our paperwork go smoothly, and the number of shots we had to get.  It felt like we had to get several shots every week for months.  We all would cry the first few times we receive the shots but after that, it's like no big deal anymore. 

Since we already receive our passports and we are just awaiting our entry visas and the date of our departure, the preparation starts for our trip.  The premise back then is that once you leave, you can never come back.  That means you will never see your relatives, friends, nor the land you've grown up and the culture you are accustomed to anymore.  My mom has to mentally prepare herself and start saying her goodbyes.  Since school is a priveledge and not a requirement in Viet Nam, my mom decides to take us out of school as to not have to deal with any complications when it's our time.  She puts us in class with an English tutor and a math tutor while we wait  Our English tutor taught us English with a French accent, how funny is that?  I thought we were so cool when I went to the US and the teacher asked me what month it is.  I goes it's "Jay-Nuah-Ree" and was very proud of myself.  It's not until later that I realize all the pronunciations we learned are incorrect.

I was tutored math up to sixth grade level when I was 7.  I am a fast learner and caught up to my older sister very quickly and we became classmates.  I feel really bad about that because she still has a complex up until today.  She's a smart person, I just think the Asian teaching style is not for her.  If she had given an opportunity for alternative learning, I have no doubt she will thrive. 

How do you pack your whole life in a little briefcase?  How do you make time to say goodbye to all your friends and families?  How do you leave the country that grew up in behind?  These are the answers my parents had to deal with.  I remember the day we left vividly.  We were at the airport waiting for our flight.  My maternal grandma was there with my uncle-in-law, whom watched my little sister grew up.  We live right next door to my grandma and she helped my mom raised us.  We rode to the airport with heavy hearts, trying to say goodbye be everything we were familiar with and our grandma holding us tight. 

While my mom went to do some paperwork, my grandma took each of us aside to say goodbye to us.  When it's my turn she asked what am I going to do in America?  I was about 7 so I told her I am going to eat all the candies.  My grandma hug me and her voice starts to shake.  She said "well when you are done eating candy, you come back and visit me okay?"  I didn't understand why she starts to wipe her eyes and I just look at her and said "okay". 

(You know what my biggest regret is?  That I never come back to visit her after I am sick of all the candies.  A few years after US had a trade relations with Viet Nam, I was suppose to come back with my parents as my highschool graduation gift. Unfortunately I misplaced my citizenship certificate and couldn't get it replace in time for my passport.  A year after my parents and sisters when back, my grandma passed away.)

We entered the airport and they don't let anyone else in except for immediate relatives.  There were so many people standing behind the rope, some were friends, some were distant relatives, and some just want to come watch the lucky ones who get to go to America.  I remember my mom completed the paperwork and just sit on the bench facing away from everyone and was silent.  I didn't understand why she didn't want to look at everyone and say bye to them.  I asked her and she said she doesn't want to say bye to anyone because she will breakdown.

They call our name to go back to the waiting room and that's when the all the emotions starts erupting at once.  The best way I can describe is when people starts bawling when the casket is lowered.  It's basically the same thing because at that time, we really believe we are never to see each other again.  All my sisters and I started crying and hugging each person that was there to say bye to us behind the ropes.  People try to hold on to us and pull our hands not letting us go.  We had to tear ourselves away from all our childhood friends, families that we knew, and our beloved grandma who is so weak from grief that my uncle-in-law had to hold her up.  My mom was overcome with emotion and could barely walk into the waiting room.  The officials impatiently usher us into a glass room waiting for our plane, leaving everything we knew behind...

Obama craze

I read this story from bigsweetie on HotCouponWorld on a thread. I love it because it reflects my sentiment exactly. I am so sick of the bias media and their inability to report on just two-sided facts anymore.

From a teacher in the Nashville area:
We are worried about "the cow" when it is all about the "Ice Cream.

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president.We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote. To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Every one applauded. He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise.

She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream." She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it. She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.

Every time Barack Obama opens his mouth he offers ice cream, fifty two percent of the people react like nine year olds. They want ice cream. The other forty eight percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess.

My birthday, my life.

It's my birthday so I decide to talk about myself today. ^_^ I just thought it would be nice for my kids to have an account of their mother's biography.

I was born on January 11, 1977 in a small country town in Viet Nam. It was 2 years after the end of the war and all of our properties were confiscated so my parents have no camera to take any picture of me. We were also too poor to hire someone to take pictures so I don't have any baby picture until I was 4 years old. That big stomach you see is actually full of worms. My parents were busy making a living that I was left to the care of my very young sisters. I picked up everything off the grounds to eat and as the result, I got worms. It's really disgusting and I am creeped out by worms, snakes, eels, or capterpillas to this day.

Here is a picture of my little sister in front of the house we grew up in. The house was made from palm leaves and bamboo beams. I remember whenever there is a strong wind or storm, my mom and all of us we will put a pole against the main beam of the house and all of us will lean on it so the house won't fall down. If you look at the pictures, you'll notice our "walls" are full of holes that stray dogs use to get into our home.

My aunt's favorite memory of me when I was young is when I walk into the house with a machete when I was 4 or 5 asking her if she wants some sugar cane in the backyard. I love to eat sugar canes and will always go to the backyard to chop them to eat. I remember breaking one of my tooth tearing apart a sugar cane.

Since we were so poor, my memory of the greatest toy was a drum my dad made for us using an empty aluminum can with frog skin wrapped across the top. Our toys are usually sticks, fruits, and rocks so this was such a treat.

The new Communist government keep harrassing my dad after the war because he was in Officer school before. They'll knock on our door at midnight and told me dad he has to go to the county office to report and we live in fear because they wouldn't release him for days. There are so many veterans that they imprisioned or killed so you just never know if that's the last time you'll see your love ones. They also pass laws that families and children of anyone affiliate with the old government are also not allow to work nor go to school. We have to watch everything that we say and my mom has to constantly keep a close ears to what the kids say in case we get into trouble. All the songs she taught us to sing before are not allowed. She would cover our mouth in fear when one of us follows old habits. My dad didn't see a future for our family nor his daughters in this new government so he decide to flee the country when I was 4.

He didn't tell my mom that he was leaving in case he doesn't make it. He told us he was going to go to the city to buy some parts for his bike shop. I remember he hugged me to say goodbye and his voice was shaking. I didn't understand why at the moment. He later told me that he had to drive by the house to get to a port and saw me playing in the front yard. He was overcame with emotion and almost give up his plan right then. As many other boat refugees, herisked his life in a tiny fishing boat that is made for lakes and not endure moths on the Pacific ocean. He described to us that the boat was like a leaf on a lake. He was on the boat for 3 months and finally got rescued by a big boat and they pulled them to the refugee camp in Guam. He is the few lucky ones.

After he settle at the refugee camp at Guam, my mom finally recieve a letter from my dad confessing what he did. Needless to say she was livid because she was 6 months pregnant with my sister and having to take care of kids ages 9, 6, and 4. My dad was the bread-winner so she was also scare of how we would survive. Being a frail woman who never had to work her life, she somehow managed to fed and clothed us. She sold virtually all she had and barter for the rest. She sold every single piece of jewelry she had, with the exception of her wedding ring. She hung on to that no matter how bad things got.

My dad finally got to the US 1 year later and worked 3 jobs to be able to support himself and send money back to us. I have to note here that my dad was only 27 when he came to the US. He has always loved school and his dream is to be a doctor. He majored in Biology but then the war started so that put a halt on his education. When he got to the US, the government offer him a scholarship to go to college and he could've be the doctor he always wanted. So many men jump at opportunity and abandon their family back home. I am very grateful my dad wasn't one of them.

While we wait for our paper work to go to America, my mom took us and try to escape by boat 7 times. One time my oldest sister and I were separate from my mom and other sisters with our uncles. We had to walk all night to meet up with them at the next city. I was about 6 or 7 so I get to ride on their shoulder most of the way. I looked down and see my poor oldest sister walking almost all night along side my uncles, sometimes having to run to keep up. I asked them to let me walk and let my sister ride on their shoulder instead. I guessed they felt bad for both of us so they piggy-back my sister for a little bit. My uncles must have been tired at dusk because we stopped by someone's cow house and slept. My mom and other sisters didn't have it any better. They slept at the bus parking lot waiting and hoping to see us the next morning. I can only imagine how worry and concern my poor mom must have been. It's not like we have a phone to call and let her know we are okay. We were caught once by the government for trying to escape the country and were in jail for 3 months. My youngest sister was about 2 then and had to be in jail with us also. It's really sad but that's life under communism. The next time you want to criticize the US government, you should live one day under another regime and see how it feels.

**There is too many things and stories I'd like to recount about my life so I'll stop here and post more later since this post is long already.**

Happy New Year!!!

I hope everyone is having a great start to the New Year. May you all have many surprises and blessings this year. I have the following goals I'd like to work on this year:

1. Lower my monthly grocery bill by $50. My wish is to reduce it by $75/month but $50 will be good. To do this, I will watch my Out-of-Pocket money closely on all my deals. Hopefully I'll spend the majority of that on food at the Asian market, milk, and diapers. I also got a lot of gift cards from Christmas, some rebate checks, and $55 in eBates for all my online purchases last month so they should help me meet my new grocery budget. Accomplished.
   
   
2. Only buy Free or Money Maker items this year unless it's something I really need. Last year I would buy things that end up free to roll my Extra Bucks or rebates but having to spend some real cash up front doing so. This year I hope to eliminate that. If I can't use gift cards, extra bucks, or Register Reward to pay then I am not getting it unless it's a necessity. I actually turn down Softsoap handsoap that would've cost $.04 after coupon. I remind myself that I still have a big shelf upstairs to use. Accomplished.
   
   
   
3. Be more patient with Hieu. I will try my best but no promises there. :P Um...can use more improvement.
   
   
   
4. Cook more. I don't want the kids to grow up not knowing their mommy's cooking. I want them to grow up having a favorite dish that *I* cook. As my co-worker puts it "I would love to cook if I have more time." I just get so tired whenever I get home and putting the kids to sleep. One of my friends will cook their dinner the night before after the kids are asleep. I tried that for a week and was about the keel over from exhaustion. After the kids are asleep, I just want to veg out infront of the computer on the TV for an hour or so before I have to get ready for bed. The problem is that with my friend, her husband and her takes turn cooking. I always have to do it by myself because Hieu has no interest in this. It's either I cook or take-outs. Can you say P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E? I think I did pretty well in this.
   
   
   
5. Toilet train Ky-An. That's pretty self-explanatory. He'll have to be train this year and that would help our grocery budget greatly. Accomplished.
   
   
   
6. Pay attention to what I eat. I still have 15 pounds from both kids that I'd like to shed this year. I've been parking on the far side of the parking lot last year forcing myself to walk further to the building. This year I am going to watch my portions so I don't overeat. I am going to pay attention to the type of food I am eating. Most of the time I am so busy tending to the kids that I just shove food in as quickly as possible. I am going to cut back on all my free candies. Luckily I gave most of them away during Christmas so I am not tempted so much. I am also going to try and use my Wii Fit more to burn some calories. I am not even going to claim to make it to the gym this year. If I can then it's a bonus but I don't want to set myself up to fail. Needs more work.
   
   
   
7. Focus more on my career. I've been slacking in my career due to pregnancies, the loss of Lan Vy, taking care of two young children, and taking on my new couponing hobby. I'd like to put a little focus back on my career and master ASP.net before I become a dinosaur in my field. I am going do my best to show up to work on time and work harder. Needs more work.
   
   
   
8. Lay wood down on the first floor of our house. Our carpet is pretty grimy after 2 colic kids. It's light color so the stains show up even more, especially at night when the lights cast shadows on these carpets. I usually get embarrass when we have anyone come over. We shampoo the carpet several months ago and it was so nice but it didn't take long for it to be dingy again...ugh. We've planned to have wood floors in our house since we first built it 8 years ago, that's why we just went with the standard carpet and no upgrade. It's really time. Accomplished thanks to wonderful hubby!
   
   
   
9. Do more chores around the house. I've really slack on that this past year because I run to the store doing deals on my free time. I've come to depend on our cleaners who comes every other week. They really can only clean so much and I should do the rest. They clean all the major parts of the house but not all the crooks and crannies. I also am suppose to clean the week in between when they don't come so our house is not such a mess. It's so embarrassing when people came and comment "wow..your house is a mess!" Personally I don't think it's that bad but I think it's because they are used to how my house looked before the kids tore it up. It was spotless once upon a time. Needs more work.
   
   
   
10. Spend more time with the kids. Don't get me wrong, I do spend a lot of time with my kids. However when Hieu is home during the weekend, I tend to let him entertain the kids so I can get some chores done such as balancing the checkbook, pay bills, clip coupons, wash dishes, or wash clothes. Maybe that's how you are suppose to do it but I feel so guilty. Last weekend I was downstair sorting the kid's clothes and packing them for the next week to go to our babysitter's house. I also lay out 5 outfits for them to change into every morning. Hieu took the kids to the playroom upstair to keep them out of my hair. I hear them laughing and screaming, just having a great ole' time wishing I could be with them. Hieu told me to come up and join them but I had to get the chores done. It can't be all fun and game right? Sometimes you have to do the responsible thing. Needs more work.
    
    
    
11. Re-Decorate my sister's room for the kids. Okay I didn't say that the kids will MOVE in there this year, just that I'll have it ready. ^_^ Because the room is pretty big, I plan for them to share a room for a couple of years. One so we can buy some time until Hieu's little brother move out of the other room; and two, so maybe it'll make the transition from our room to theirs a little less scary. This is going on the 2010 list :(
    
    
    
12. Introduce more cultures to my kids. Hieu and I've lived in the US pretty much all our life so English has become more our first language. I have to be more conscious of talking more Vietnamese to the kids and introduce them to more Vietnamese cultures. I will watch more Vietnamese shows at home; I'll let them watch more Vietnamese children's shows; and I'll take them to temple or church to interact with others on our holidays.
    
    When they are older, culture here will expand to events such as visiting museums, art shows, and plays. Hieu and I have always love musicals and we've always wanted to introduce our kids to it. I can't wait until we can. Needs more work. It's so easy to just speak to them in English but I know whe have to try harder.
    
    
    

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Even though I was raised a Buddist, we have always celebrate Christmas ever since we came to America. We've always have the Christmas tree and decorations around the house. We celebrate the spirit of giving and everything non-religious about the holiday. We know this is the US's biggest holiday and we embrace it.

Our Christmas is never without gifts, even when we were at our poorest. My dad worked 2 jobs and the whole family went to the flea market to sell watches and telephone in the weekend. One year we were so financially strapped that my parents couldn't afford to give us any money to get gifts for each other. We scrapped up whatever we have ourselves and went to the $1 store to select gifts for everyone. We still had so much fun and no one notice the cheap gifts, just enjoyed the thoughtfulness and the gift of giving. Nowadays the kids are just spoil with presents each year and I hope to show them the true meaning of Christmas as they grow.

I've always love the joy of giving gifts to others. When we were young we would wake around weeks before Christmas keeping our ears open for hints. Then we went out purchasing the "perfect" gift. I just love seeing their expression face when they open the present you've worked so hard to get. They always react with "how did you know I wanted/needed this?" It's so awesome! It's always our tradition to get presents for whomever is spending the event with us. Whether it be a boyfriend, a friend, or a long-distance relative. It does get costly but we wouldn't have it any other way.

Nowadays it's hard to walk around looking for hints when each of my sisters are living at a different place. We've resort to creating online wish lists. This year we use elfster.com and it's great at asking anonymous questions and marking items are purchased so that you don't receive duplicate presents, which has happen before.

We said we were going to cut back this year due to the uncertainty of the economy. We all are fortunate and everyone still has their jobs but who knows what will happen in the next year. However, everyone still went out and bought everyone else presents..maybe just a little cheaper than last year. I am so lucky to have such a great family, immediate and otherwise. I love our family traditions and hope to keep it for a long time to come.

Have a wonderful Christmas everyone and may yours be as joyous as ours!!!

It's a brighter day!

Ai-Vy threw up a couple more times last night and keep stirring wanting her milk bottle. We put Pedialyte with some water into her bottle and give it to her. She drank it down and I had to yank it away from her fearing she'll drink too much and vomit again. The poor thing got mad and upset every time I yank the bottle from her. One time after I yank the bottle away from her, I put it next to my pillow. She screamed "MAAA MAAA" and look at me like "why are you doing this to me? I don't understand." and then reach over me putting her hand underneath my pillow trying to find the bottle. It breaks my heart having to deprive her the bottle but I didn't want her to get sick again. She finally went back to sleep. The next time she woke up and she would take her hand to clutch the bottle so I can't yank it away from her. It's so sad that I just let her finish out the Pedialyte/water bottle. She went back to sleep and I put a towel next to her laying there waiting for her to throw up. She never did but woke up at 5 a.m. and again chomping on her pacifier looking for the bottle. I asked Hieu to refill the Pedialyte and this time just follow my gut and let her finish the entire bottle. I figure if she really want it so bad then maybe she's not too nauseous. She went back to sleep and I again drape a towel across her. She miraculously slept until past 6 with no problem. She woke up with a dirty diaper and hungrily eat a lot of cereal afterward so I was encouraged. She saw some mac and cheese and wanted some so we cautiously gave it to her. She seem to hold down her solids just fine and we couldn't be happier.

By 10 a.m. she was getting crabby and we thought since she could hold down her solids as well as the macaroni and cheese so I braved it and give her the milk bottle she's been wanting. She greedily took it down as I keep a close eye on her. She was fine after the bottle and Hieu and I was just on cloud nine.

Ky-An slept through the whole night wonderfully except for some whimpering. He woke up asking for Pho, a Vietnamese noodle, and Hieu happily went out at 7 a.m. to find him some. He was so excited when Hieu came home with the food that Hieu and I were giddy. He hungrily ate some Pho with chicken and went about playing, almost running at times. It seems like he's well on his way back to being a little energetic happy boy we love.

Lost my coupon holder :(

I am so bummed right now. I just lost my little purple coupon holder that I use to hold all my coupons, receipts, gift cards, etc. I've went over the events of yesterday in my head several times yesterday and I am pretty sure I left it in the deli downstairs. I called them this morning but they told me they didn't see it. I even drove 30 minutes to work to look again but had no luck. I ransacked my cubicle and left defeated. I left my number at the deli and with the building so that's my only hope right now.

Yesterday I ran to Walgreens and CVS during lunch. On the drive back to work, I opened up all my crest bonus packs to get all my Oral-B coupons out. I was so excited when I got back to my building that I stuffed all the Oral-B coupons into the holder. I was holding the coupon holder in my hand while walking in the parking lot as I was re-examine some receipts of my purchases.

I went straight to the deli in the lobby to grab some lunch. I remember looking through all my $20s in the coupon holder to see if I have a $10 to pay since my lunch was $8.92.

I got my lunch, went through the elevator upstairs, and ate my lunch at my desk. It was about 1:30 at this time and I have a meeting at 2 p.m. Right after I finished my lunch, the consultant called to say he's early and would like to come in for the meeting. I went outside to let him in and ran downstairs to mail a letter for a coupon trade.

I went back upstairs, got my Coke and notebook and went to the meeting until 3:00 p.m. I went back to my desk, did some work, and went to another meeting at 4p.m. I got out of this one at about 5:15 p.m. and get ready to go home. I knew I wanted to stop by a Walgreens before driving home so I went to look for my coupon holder. This is when I realized it's not in my bag and looked all over the desk for it. I figured I left it at the deli but they are closed by this time so I went home thinking I will just call them the next morning...and you know the rest of the story.

I have 2 Walgreens gift card in there. Luckily they haven't been reload so hopefully Walgreens will just send me a new one for my September rebate. I have a CVS gift card from my Discover Card bonus that still have about $38 in there. There are also about $60 cash, $20 Register Rewards, $30 Extra Bucks, my Oral-B coupons that I was so excited about, a free Pillsbury Pizza crust coupon, and some receipts from Walgreens that I need for my rebate.

I totally understand that this is not the worst thing that can happen to me and that all those things are replaceable. However, I still want to just sit here and MOPE for a while. No one but my sisters and my fellow couponer can understand how devastating this lost is. :(

Happy Birthday Sweet Ai-Vy!!!

Dear Ai-Vy,

I am such a bad mommy that I forgot to say "Happy Birthday" on your birth date. I didn't forget the day that you were born, I just lost track of what day it is because of Hurricane Ike, getting ready for our camping trip, and planning your big party. By the time I look at the date, your birthday had passed. I am really sorry sweetie.

I still remember the day I found out about you vividly in my mind. You came as a surprise to everyone and I was shock at first but I knew I couldn't wait to meet you. I learned so much about your personality as your grow inside of me. I was taking care of your big brother so I couldn't be as cautious in my first trimester with you as I was with him. I was more active and at times felt like I do stuff I shouldn't be. However, you are such a resilient little girl that you pull through with no problem at all. I knew then you will be a fighter and strong-willed. Your pregnancy was such a breeze that sometimes I even forgot I was pregnant. I knew then you are an independent woman who doesn't need me for much. You are happy and comforted when I am on the run and I knew you would be a curious and active little girl. Whenever you hear your big brother's voice, you would kick like crazy and I just knew how much adore him. I was nauseous whenever I eat certain food that I used to like while being pregnant with you. I can't eat seafood but love vegetables and fruits. I knew then you'll be a vegetable lover like your mom and a very picky eater.

You are a joy to have and you've enriched our life everyday. I love to see your smiling face and how you cling to me whenever you see me. Whenever I come home from work exhausted, just seeing yours and your brother's grinning face running up to me just wipe away all the tiredness. I also worry whenever you are quiet or when I see a mischevious look on your face. You are a fearless little girl and that's good in a lot of aspect but I worry about the others. I am not looking forward to the day when you get hurt for being such a daredevil. Have some fear okay? Fear is good and it keeps you safe. You are already so smart and advance so quickly that I feel I don't get to fully enjoy each of your baby stage. One year has already passed and I feel I've just been chasing after the time and I am losing.

Don't grow up too fast little baby.

Love,
Mom