Happy Birthday Sweet Lan-Vy!! You will always live in our hearts!!

This is the 5th anniversary of Lan Vy's death.I should have a 5 year old child who is starting school and have a whole new world to explore. Instead..she will forever be in my memory as a newborn baby.

Hieu decide to have a family day today so I was busy all day with the kids and this is the first time I had to reflect on my first-born daughter. For those who don't know the story, I've posted about it previously here and here. We had a nice day today, took the kids to the cementery to visit their older sister and their grandpa. The entire trip there we were busy breaking up fights on who gets to hold the birthday balloon we bought so that was fun. We then went to have a nice lunch. Ky-An asked for crab so we got him the dungeness one they had for $35! Yes we splurged but it's such a special day that I let it happen. (Our kids love seafood and Hieu said that will be an expensive taste). We then went home for them to take a nap and headed out to the Children's musem and then dinner.

While it was nice to have a family day, that's not what I wanted today. I think I'll take the day off and be by myself with my thoughts next year. I'd like to sit and look over her old things, read the old cards that people sent to us, re-live the moments we had with her, spend more time at the cementery, and have a good cry.

My biggest regret during her short life is not able to spend more time with her. There are many reasons why I couldn't, the first was that I wasn't physically strong enough after a traumatic surgery. Hieu had to cart me around in a wheelchair to visit her. Every bump on the road was painful, sitting in the car is sore, and even sitting in the wheelchair putting pressure on my cut caused pain. I didn't have the strength to be out long and didn't regain my strength until 4 months later. I literally couldn't walk down the hall without taking a break to rest. Because of my physcial limitation, it also force Hieu to be apart from her and I will have to forever live with that. These reasons could be valid but your emotions doesn't necessarily agree with your logic. Regrets will always be regrets.

Lan Vy was hooked up to wires and tubes so the best I could do was cradle my arms around her body. She's usually drowsy and tired because of all the drugs they had to give to her. I remember the last day I visited her, they had finally took the breathing tube out of her mouth. She started crying and it's the first time I've heard my baby cried since I gave birth to her. It's so beautiful like music to my ears, this little hoarse cry coming out of her. Hearing a newborn cry still gets me today. It's such a beautiful and miraculous sound that people don't appreciate enough. I started singing to her and she opened her eyes for a little to look at me. I think that's the moment we bonded.

The sadest memory for me is the first time I get to hold her is when I also the last. You just can't imagine that feeling..the joy of finally holding your baby in your arms, and the devastation of knowing it will be the last time. The fact that I couldn't hold her while she was alive eats at me. I still remember that feeling when they put her in my arms. I've been yearning to hold her for so long so I was happy when they handed her over. She looked so peaceful with no wires and no hoses in her...like she's peacefully asleep. She was finally free and I was relieved for her. Grief took over as I hand her to the doctors and a part of me went with her that day. The image of Hieu unable to let go of her little body will forever imprint in my mind. He wanted to stay there with her and I wanted to go home. I wanted get out of the hospital. I wanted to go home and be as far away from that place as I can...the place that I just watched my baby died at.

The reason I choose her birthday to remember instead of the day of her death is because I want it to be a happy memory. I want to celebrate the short life she had, not mourn her death.
Around her birthday every year, I start getting emotional. I can be fine and happy all year long but some how around May, I get really sad. I still miss her and I think about her throughout the year. Whenever I look at my kids, especially Ai-Vy, I see Lan Vy in them. Sadness washes over me with these thoughts. I silently thank her for bringing them to me and know that she will always watch over them to keep them safe.

Remembering Lan Vy reminds me how fragile life is and how your life can change in minutes. It make me realize how blessed I am just to live a healthy life. Think of all the obstacles that people took for granted just to be here today. When you are pregnant, your baby can have many birth defects or developing issues. Your baby is growing vital organs such as brain, heart, intestines, lungs, nervous system, spinal system, skeletal system, and many more. It's just amazing all the things that get developed during that short 9 months. If your baby is lucky enough to have all these intricate systems develop correctly, then he or she have to go through childbirth where it can lead to death of the baby and/or the mom, complications that leads to disabilities or death, and many number of things.

Once you held your baby in your arm, there is the infant death syndrome, suffication, vision problem, hearing problem, mobility problem, autisim, allergies, mental heath, cancer, and social development to worry about. There are also external risks such as car accidents, household accidents, plane crashes, drowning, fire, storms, guns, and bad influences. Every healthy child who grows into an adult is truly miraculous and I wish everyone would realize that.

Remembering Lan Vy helps me appreciate the two beings who I get to see and hold everyday. Remember Lan Vy reminds me to thankful as I watch them sleep peacefully next to me because that means they are safe and healthy. I am so grateful that they don't live in a country or environment where their lives are in danger. I am so blessed that my kids are their innocent selves and the biggest worry they have is who's going to get the toy. Rememebering Lan Vy enable me to make time for my family everyday and to show them how much I love them. This is how Lan Vy will live on. Through all the lessons that she taught me and through the two siblings she brought to me.

"Mommy loves you sweetheart. I can't wait until the day when I can see you and hold you in my arms again. There is always a place in my heart that is reserved for you and it will be empty until I see you again. This time when I get to hold you, I am not letting go."