I thought we were doing well preventing Ai-Vy from getting sick, especially with Ky-An getting better and she showed no signs. Unfortunately I was wrong. She started throwing up at 7 p.m. tonight and hasn't stop since. She threw up another 5 times and it's now only 10:30. It's so sad when I put her down to sleep and her mouth keep on opening looking for her bottle of milk. The poor thing is probably wondering why we won't give her the bottle tonight. I got so sad thinking how much she's going to suffer the next few days and how much work it's going to be to care for her that emotions overwhelmed me and I started to cry. I thought about how she depends on her bottles before naptime and now she can't even have them. She's not going to be able to sleep and I am not sure how to sneak water in her like we do with Ky-An. I hate the image of her laying exhausted and almost lifeless like how Ky-An has been. Ky-An can at least communicate with us but she won't be able to say anything at all. I get so sad thinking about all that.
Whenever the kids get really sick like this, all the images of what we went through with Lan Vy come spilling back to me. Because of these images, I end up scaring myself even more about their illness. I thought about what I would do if another child is taking away from me and I honestly don't think I am emotionally sound to handle it. Times like these remind me of all the trivial things that I took for granted such as them asking for their milk, eating and refusing to eat, their laughs, their playfulness, and their tantrums. At least with all these things they have the energy to do so and not lay there exhausted. I just pray and hope that the kids will be better soon.
Showing posts with label Lan vy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lan vy. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 26, 2023
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Happy Birthday Sweet Lan-Vy!! You will always live in our hearts!!
This is the 5th anniversary of Lan Vy's death.I should have a 5 year old child who is starting school and have a whole new world to explore. Instead..she will forever be in my memory as a newborn baby.
Hieu decide to have a family day today so I was busy all day with the kids and this is the first time I had to reflect on my first-born daughter. For those who don't know the story, I've posted about it previously here and here. We had a nice day today, took the kids to the cementery to visit their older sister and their grandpa. The entire trip there we were busy breaking up fights on who gets to hold the birthday balloon we bought so that was fun. We then went to have a nice lunch. Ky-An asked for crab so we got him the dungeness one they had for $35! Yes we splurged but it's such a special day that I let it happen. (Our kids love seafood and Hieu said that will be an expensive taste). We then went home for them to take a nap and headed out to the Children's musem and then dinner.
While it was nice to have a family day, that's not what I wanted today. I think I'll take the day off and be by myself with my thoughts next year. I'd like to sit and look over her old things, read the old cards that people sent to us, re-live the moments we had with her, spend more time at the cementery, and have a good cry.
My biggest regret during her short life is not able to spend more time with her. There are many reasons why I couldn't, the first was that I wasn't physically strong enough after a traumatic surgery. Hieu had to cart me around in a wheelchair to visit her. Every bump on the road was painful, sitting in the car is sore, and even sitting in the wheelchair putting pressure on my cut caused pain. I didn't have the strength to be out long and didn't regain my strength until 4 months later. I literally couldn't walk down the hall without taking a break to rest. Because of my physcial limitation, it also force Hieu to be apart from her and I will have to forever live with that. These reasons could be valid but your emotions doesn't necessarily agree with your logic. Regrets will always be regrets.
Lan Vy was hooked up to wires and tubes so the best I could do was cradle my arms around her body. She's usually drowsy and tired because of all the drugs they had to give to her. I remember the last day I visited her, they had finally took the breathing tube out of her mouth. She started crying and it's the first time I've heard my baby cried since I gave birth to her. It's so beautiful like music to my ears, this little hoarse cry coming out of her. Hearing a newborn cry still gets me today. It's such a beautiful and miraculous sound that people don't appreciate enough. I started singing to her and she opened her eyes for a little to look at me. I think that's the moment we bonded.
The sadest memory for me is the first time I get to hold her is when I also the last. You just can't imagine that feeling..the joy of finally holding your baby in your arms, and the devastation of knowing it will be the last time. The fact that I couldn't hold her while she was alive eats at me. I still remember that feeling when they put her in my arms. I've been yearning to hold her for so long so I was happy when they handed her over. She looked so peaceful with no wires and no hoses in her...like she's peacefully asleep. She was finally free and I was relieved for her. Grief took over as I hand her to the doctors and a part of me went with her that day. The image of Hieu unable to let go of her little body will forever imprint in my mind. He wanted to stay there with her and I wanted to go home. I wanted get out of the hospital. I wanted to go home and be as far away from that place as I can...the place that I just watched my baby died at.
The reason I choose her birthday to remember instead of the day of her death is because I want it to be a happy memory. I want to celebrate the short life she had, not mourn her death.
Around her birthday every year, I start getting emotional. I can be fine and happy all year long but some how around May, I get really sad. I still miss her and I think about her throughout the year. Whenever I look at my kids, especially Ai-Vy, I see Lan Vy in them. Sadness washes over me with these thoughts. I silently thank her for bringing them to me and know that she will always watch over them to keep them safe.
Remembering Lan Vy reminds me how fragile life is and how your life can change in minutes. It make me realize how blessed I am just to live a healthy life. Think of all the obstacles that people took for granted just to be here today. When you are pregnant, your baby can have many birth defects or developing issues. Your baby is growing vital organs such as brain, heart, intestines, lungs, nervous system, spinal system, skeletal system, and many more. It's just amazing all the things that get developed during that short 9 months. If your baby is lucky enough to have all these intricate systems develop correctly, then he or she have to go through childbirth where it can lead to death of the baby and/or the mom, complications that leads to disabilities or death, and many number of things.
Once you held your baby in your arm, there is the infant death syndrome, suffication, vision problem, hearing problem, mobility problem, autisim, allergies, mental heath, cancer, and social development to worry about. There are also external risks such as car accidents, household accidents, plane crashes, drowning, fire, storms, guns, and bad influences. Every healthy child who grows into an adult is truly miraculous and I wish everyone would realize that.
Remembering Lan Vy helps me appreciate the two beings who I get to see and hold everyday. Remember Lan Vy reminds me to thankful as I watch them sleep peacefully next to me because that means they are safe and healthy. I am so grateful that they don't live in a country or environment where their lives are in danger. I am so blessed that my kids are their innocent selves and the biggest worry they have is who's going to get the toy. Rememebering Lan Vy enable me to make time for my family everyday and to show them how much I love them. This is how Lan Vy will live on. Through all the lessons that she taught me and through the two siblings she brought to me.
"Mommy loves you sweetheart. I can't wait until the day when I can see you and hold you in my arms again. There is always a place in my heart that is reserved for you and it will be empty until I see you again. This time when I get to hold you, I am not letting go."
Hieu decide to have a family day today so I was busy all day with the kids and this is the first time I had to reflect on my first-born daughter. For those who don't know the story, I've posted about it previously here and here. We had a nice day today, took the kids to the cementery to visit their older sister and their grandpa. The entire trip there we were busy breaking up fights on who gets to hold the birthday balloon we bought so that was fun. We then went to have a nice lunch. Ky-An asked for crab so we got him the dungeness one they had for $35! Yes we splurged but it's such a special day that I let it happen. (Our kids love seafood and Hieu said that will be an expensive taste). We then went home for them to take a nap and headed out to the Children's musem and then dinner.
While it was nice to have a family day, that's not what I wanted today. I think I'll take the day off and be by myself with my thoughts next year. I'd like to sit and look over her old things, read the old cards that people sent to us, re-live the moments we had with her, spend more time at the cementery, and have a good cry.
My biggest regret during her short life is not able to spend more time with her. There are many reasons why I couldn't, the first was that I wasn't physically strong enough after a traumatic surgery. Hieu had to cart me around in a wheelchair to visit her. Every bump on the road was painful, sitting in the car is sore, and even sitting in the wheelchair putting pressure on my cut caused pain. I didn't have the strength to be out long and didn't regain my strength until 4 months later. I literally couldn't walk down the hall without taking a break to rest. Because of my physcial limitation, it also force Hieu to be apart from her and I will have to forever live with that. These reasons could be valid but your emotions doesn't necessarily agree with your logic. Regrets will always be regrets.
Lan Vy was hooked up to wires and tubes so the best I could do was cradle my arms around her body. She's usually drowsy and tired because of all the drugs they had to give to her. I remember the last day I visited her, they had finally took the breathing tube out of her mouth. She started crying and it's the first time I've heard my baby cried since I gave birth to her. It's so beautiful like music to my ears, this little hoarse cry coming out of her. Hearing a newborn cry still gets me today. It's such a beautiful and miraculous sound that people don't appreciate enough. I started singing to her and she opened her eyes for a little to look at me. I think that's the moment we bonded.
The sadest memory for me is the first time I get to hold her is when I also the last. You just can't imagine that feeling..the joy of finally holding your baby in your arms, and the devastation of knowing it will be the last time. The fact that I couldn't hold her while she was alive eats at me. I still remember that feeling when they put her in my arms. I've been yearning to hold her for so long so I was happy when they handed her over. She looked so peaceful with no wires and no hoses in her...like she's peacefully asleep. She was finally free and I was relieved for her. Grief took over as I hand her to the doctors and a part of me went with her that day. The image of Hieu unable to let go of her little body will forever imprint in my mind. He wanted to stay there with her and I wanted to go home. I wanted get out of the hospital. I wanted to go home and be as far away from that place as I can...the place that I just watched my baby died at.
The reason I choose her birthday to remember instead of the day of her death is because I want it to be a happy memory. I want to celebrate the short life she had, not mourn her death.
Around her birthday every year, I start getting emotional. I can be fine and happy all year long but some how around May, I get really sad. I still miss her and I think about her throughout the year. Whenever I look at my kids, especially Ai-Vy, I see Lan Vy in them. Sadness washes over me with these thoughts. I silently thank her for bringing them to me and know that she will always watch over them to keep them safe.
Remembering Lan Vy reminds me how fragile life is and how your life can change in minutes. It make me realize how blessed I am just to live a healthy life. Think of all the obstacles that people took for granted just to be here today. When you are pregnant, your baby can have many birth defects or developing issues. Your baby is growing vital organs such as brain, heart, intestines, lungs, nervous system, spinal system, skeletal system, and many more. It's just amazing all the things that get developed during that short 9 months. If your baby is lucky enough to have all these intricate systems develop correctly, then he or she have to go through childbirth where it can lead to death of the baby and/or the mom, complications that leads to disabilities or death, and many number of things.
Once you held your baby in your arm, there is the infant death syndrome, suffication, vision problem, hearing problem, mobility problem, autisim, allergies, mental heath, cancer, and social development to worry about. There are also external risks such as car accidents, household accidents, plane crashes, drowning, fire, storms, guns, and bad influences. Every healthy child who grows into an adult is truly miraculous and I wish everyone would realize that.
Remembering Lan Vy helps me appreciate the two beings who I get to see and hold everyday. Remember Lan Vy reminds me to thankful as I watch them sleep peacefully next to me because that means they are safe and healthy. I am so grateful that they don't live in a country or environment where their lives are in danger. I am so blessed that my kids are their innocent selves and the biggest worry they have is who's going to get the toy. Rememebering Lan Vy enable me to make time for my family everyday and to show them how much I love them. This is how Lan Vy will live on. Through all the lessons that she taught me and through the two siblings she brought to me.
"Mommy loves you sweetheart. I can't wait until the day when I can see you and hold you in my arms again. There is always a place in my heart that is reserved for you and it will be empty until I see you again. This time when I get to hold you, I am not letting go."
Monday, May 19, 2008
Happy Birthday Lan Vy!!! We miss you!
Our first-born daughter, Lan-Vy, would've been four years old today. It's just amazing how time flies. If you want to read what happened to our sweet daughter, here's a link to last year's post: http://ky-an.blogspot.com/2007/05/happy-birthday-my-sweet-lan-vy.html. This is the first year that her birthday doesn't affect me as much and in place of the sadness I felt previous years, I feel guilt. Guilty for not missing her as much, guilty for not being as sad, guilty for not visiting her as much as I should, and guilty for not making as much preparation for her birthday as other years.
Let me pick up from the events following Lan Vy's death. It took us a year and a half of praying and wishing before Ky-An came to us. If it wasn't for the ladies on my Trying to Concieve after a Loss board on Babycenter, I will never have made it through that difficult time. I learned all about charting, taking temperature, Ovulation Predictor Kit, Egg White Mucus, 2 weeks wait, and Baby Dancing. :) Right after we lost Lan Vy, I was desperate for some hope in our future so we went to see a fortune-teller who is a friend of the family. Some of you may think going to see a fortune-teller is way off in la-la land but fortune-tellers is an act of therapy in the Vietnamese community. I wasn't going to take every word she says as prophet, I just wanted some hope that we will get to love and hold a child again. She told us that we just lost a baby (I thought, okay she could've got that from my mom so no news there.) She said that our baby is still with us and that she was supposed to be a boy. (My first ultrasound the tech told me Lan-Vy was a boy. In my later ultrasounds, they rescinded and told me our baby is a girl. Later the geneticist to us that her condition sometimes causes a gender change. I also notice that when she was born. However, this is private news and we never told anyone including my family. )She then told us that the baby will come back to us and she'll be the gender she's suppose to be, which means a boy.
I got pregnant with Ky-an and it was right on Lan Vy's birthday. I took that as a sign and just knew from the very beginning it was going to be a boy. I had no doubt in my mind whatsoever. I was very careful with Ky-An's pregnancy. I don't run, don't walk fast..basically not doing anything that I feel could cause too much motion for the baby. I didn't break the news to my family until I was well past 4 months. My oldest sister came to me and nervously tells me she's pregnant again with her second child. She said she wanted me to be pregnant again first and didn't mean for this to happen. I felt so bad for her so I broke the news. We had intended to keep it from everyone for as long as possible. We didn't want to make big deal out of Ky-An's pregnancy like with Lan Vy. We just don't want to lose our child again and then having to break the news to everyone. That part was just too painful and we didn't want to go through that again. I didn't buy anything in preparation for Ky-An's birth. I refused baby showers because we still have everything from Lan Vy. In addition, I was superstitious and didn't want to prepare anything in case we jinx it. I am normally not a suppositious person but I wasn't going to take any chance on this.
We get to see a high-risk OB this time and she gave us a ultrasound every visit so that help a lot with our anxiety. I remembered getting so worked up before every visit until she told us everything is okay then I'll relax for a couple of days before worrying about the next visit. We have so many scares with the pregnancy also. Our OB does the measurements at every visit and always measures his limbs and legs to make sure they are growing on target. One time she told us his limbs are short and that could be a sign of dwarfism. We were so worried but took comfort in the fact that at least it's not fatal. Turn out he just missed a growth spurt because at the next visit he was normal. She then found an echo in his heart and that combine with a large head can be signs of down syndrome. She pushed us to get the quad test but we refused. I feel like if I don't know then at least there is still hope for a miracle. If we get the test then everything was just too final. It's like having a verdict on his condition. The statistic of having early labor with the test is about the same as our baby having Down Syndrome so we just don't want to take that chance. In addition, we just don't need to know because we will love this baby no matter what. She wasn't happy with the decision but she did monitor him closely until I gave birth.
Up until the day I gave birth, we didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy except for our families and the closest friends. The only thing I bought for him was a going home outfit. I remember thinking as I bought it that if he doesn't make it, we can still wear it for him for the funeral. Isn't that the most morbid thought for a mom who is about to give birth???! We didn't have the crib set up and nothing baby related is out of the attic. I want to make sure I brought him home before anything gets unpacked. I really was not strong enough to pack everything up the second time with no baby.
I was petrified when I got to the hospital on Ky-An's delivery day. When I got wheeled to the OR, I was shaking with nervousness and I literally held my breath until I heard him cry. His cry was just the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life and I still don't mind it to this day. I let out a huge sigh of relief and waited with open arms to hold the baby I've been waiting for so long.
We still didn't relax after we brought Ky-An home. We were still afraid he will be taking away from us in some other form and this time it will be SIDS. Every time he stirs, I will run in to make sure if he's okay. Heck I was running in every 10 minutes to make sure he's still breathing whenever he's sleeping quietly. I did it until he's almost one-year-old. It's not that I relaxed any, mind you. It's because Hieu installed a camera in our room so I can watch him from outside. I am so thankful for that camera because it gives me so much peace of mind instead of letting my imagination runs wild.
I've changed and learned so much since her passing. I don't think I would've been as patient, as nurturing, nor as understanding of my babies now if Lan Vy didn't make me realize how blessed I am. Whenever I see a child who is sick or suffering, it pulls a chord at my heart and my heart just break for the child as well as the parents. My experience with Lan Vy also allows me to help some friends through their miscarriages and still births that I am thankful for. We just feel so blessed and thankful for both our kids every day. They both still sleep with us and neither of us mind it one bit. We just love having them close to us and are able to watch them sleep like angels as we drift off to sleep.
We didn't bring a hat so this will just have to do:
Flowers I got her:
It was too hot and sunny that day so Uncle Joseph has the role to shade the kids.
Ky-An just woke up from his nap:
Family picture at the cementery:
Ky-An wants to move the flower pot to big sister, Lan Vy:
Then he brought over the bouquet of flowers:
Daddy finally gets to hold a daughter:
Let me pick up from the events following Lan Vy's death. It took us a year and a half of praying and wishing before Ky-An came to us. If it wasn't for the ladies on my Trying to Concieve after a Loss board on Babycenter, I will never have made it through that difficult time. I learned all about charting, taking temperature, Ovulation Predictor Kit, Egg White Mucus, 2 weeks wait, and Baby Dancing. :) Right after we lost Lan Vy, I was desperate for some hope in our future so we went to see a fortune-teller who is a friend of the family. Some of you may think going to see a fortune-teller is way off in la-la land but fortune-tellers is an act of therapy in the Vietnamese community. I wasn't going to take every word she says as prophet, I just wanted some hope that we will get to love and hold a child again. She told us that we just lost a baby (I thought, okay she could've got that from my mom so no news there.) She said that our baby is still with us and that she was supposed to be a boy. (My first ultrasound the tech told me Lan-Vy was a boy. In my later ultrasounds, they rescinded and told me our baby is a girl. Later the geneticist to us that her condition sometimes causes a gender change. I also notice that when she was born. However, this is private news and we never told anyone including my family. )She then told us that the baby will come back to us and she'll be the gender she's suppose to be, which means a boy.
I got pregnant with Ky-an and it was right on Lan Vy's birthday. I took that as a sign and just knew from the very beginning it was going to be a boy. I had no doubt in my mind whatsoever. I was very careful with Ky-An's pregnancy. I don't run, don't walk fast..basically not doing anything that I feel could cause too much motion for the baby. I didn't break the news to my family until I was well past 4 months. My oldest sister came to me and nervously tells me she's pregnant again with her second child. She said she wanted me to be pregnant again first and didn't mean for this to happen. I felt so bad for her so I broke the news. We had intended to keep it from everyone for as long as possible. We didn't want to make big deal out of Ky-An's pregnancy like with Lan Vy. We just don't want to lose our child again and then having to break the news to everyone. That part was just too painful and we didn't want to go through that again. I didn't buy anything in preparation for Ky-An's birth. I refused baby showers because we still have everything from Lan Vy. In addition, I was superstitious and didn't want to prepare anything in case we jinx it. I am normally not a suppositious person but I wasn't going to take any chance on this.
We get to see a high-risk OB this time and she gave us a ultrasound every visit so that help a lot with our anxiety. I remembered getting so worked up before every visit until she told us everything is okay then I'll relax for a couple of days before worrying about the next visit. We have so many scares with the pregnancy also. Our OB does the measurements at every visit and always measures his limbs and legs to make sure they are growing on target. One time she told us his limbs are short and that could be a sign of dwarfism. We were so worried but took comfort in the fact that at least it's not fatal. Turn out he just missed a growth spurt because at the next visit he was normal. She then found an echo in his heart and that combine with a large head can be signs of down syndrome. She pushed us to get the quad test but we refused. I feel like if I don't know then at least there is still hope for a miracle. If we get the test then everything was just too final. It's like having a verdict on his condition. The statistic of having early labor with the test is about the same as our baby having Down Syndrome so we just don't want to take that chance. In addition, we just don't need to know because we will love this baby no matter what. She wasn't happy with the decision but she did monitor him closely until I gave birth.
Up until the day I gave birth, we didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy except for our families and the closest friends. The only thing I bought for him was a going home outfit. I remember thinking as I bought it that if he doesn't make it, we can still wear it for him for the funeral. Isn't that the most morbid thought for a mom who is about to give birth???! We didn't have the crib set up and nothing baby related is out of the attic. I want to make sure I brought him home before anything gets unpacked. I really was not strong enough to pack everything up the second time with no baby.
I was petrified when I got to the hospital on Ky-An's delivery day. When I got wheeled to the OR, I was shaking with nervousness and I literally held my breath until I heard him cry. His cry was just the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life and I still don't mind it to this day. I let out a huge sigh of relief and waited with open arms to hold the baby I've been waiting for so long.
We still didn't relax after we brought Ky-An home. We were still afraid he will be taking away from us in some other form and this time it will be SIDS. Every time he stirs, I will run in to make sure if he's okay. Heck I was running in every 10 minutes to make sure he's still breathing whenever he's sleeping quietly. I did it until he's almost one-year-old. It's not that I relaxed any, mind you. It's because Hieu installed a camera in our room so I can watch him from outside. I am so thankful for that camera because it gives me so much peace of mind instead of letting my imagination runs wild.
I've changed and learned so much since her passing. I don't think I would've been as patient, as nurturing, nor as understanding of my babies now if Lan Vy didn't make me realize how blessed I am. Whenever I see a child who is sick or suffering, it pulls a chord at my heart and my heart just break for the child as well as the parents. My experience with Lan Vy also allows me to help some friends through their miscarriages and still births that I am thankful for. We just feel so blessed and thankful for both our kids every day. They both still sleep with us and neither of us mind it one bit. We just love having them close to us and are able to watch them sleep like angels as we drift off to sleep.
We didn't bring a hat so this will just have to do:
Flowers I got her:
It was too hot and sunny that day so Uncle Joseph has the role to shade the kids.
Ky-An just woke up from his nap:
Family picture at the cementery:
Ky-An wants to move the flower pot to big sister, Lan Vy:
Then he brought over the bouquet of flowers:
Daddy finally gets to hold a daughter:
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Lan Vy's Anniversary
Today is Lan Vy's Anniversary. Hieu and I choose not to do anything on this day because we'd rather focus on her life than her death. I've already made enough people cried with my other post so my intention for this post is not to make you guys cry again. I just want to post an email my little sent out to all our friends three years ago. Her description of everything that went on was so exact and she somehow is able to put all my emotions into words. I was really touch reading her email to everyone and saved it until this day.
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Hello ladies, this is Hoa..I'm writing this email to inform you guys of a very sad news. Chau and Hieu's newborn baby girl Lan-Vy past away last night (May 24, 2004) at 10:33 pm due to what doctors believe to be a sepsis infection that started in her gut causing her stomach to swell and then eventually spreading through her bloodstream. Doctors said Lan Vy put up a long, strong fight, but the infection spread too fast and her body slowly deteriorated. Doctors tried all their best but they could not save her life. This is her story: Lan Vy was born on Wednesday May 19 at around 2:30am. Chau had a complicated labor with her for about 22 hours. Doctors then decided on a C-section because Lan Vy's head was wedged in Chau's pelvis. When the baby was born, there was no sound of her crying. Lan Vy laid limp in the doctor's arm, she was not breathing. They quickly rushed her to Texas Children's Hospital where she was placed on a respirator with a tube down her throat. The tube pumped oxygen into her lungs also to help her breath. Before the baby headed to the hospital, Chau noticed that her two legs were shorter and smaller then the rest of her body. In addition, her legs were bowed and her feet were clubbed. Neither Chau nor Hieu got to hold their daughter before she was rushed off. Doctors were not sure why her legs were that way..they assumed that her skeleton did not form correctly or that there was a spontaneous mutation with her chromosomes causing her to have dwarfism. A couple days in the hospital, Lan Vy started breathing with little help from the respirator. Her heart was beating strongly and the doctors thought she would be ok. They ran a genetics test on her..but the results won't come back for one week. In the meantime, they were focusing on getting her to breathe on her own. On Monday May 24, doctors took the tube out of her throat and she was breathing fine without any help. Chau and Hieu got to hear her cry for the first time. They started feeding her milk through a tube that went from her nasal to her stomach and monitored her closely. When we came to visit her that afternoon she was doing great. Everyone thought she would soon come home. They were going to do a skeletal x-ray on her the next day to see what was wrong with her legs. At around 9pm that night, Chau and Hieu got a phone call from doctors saying Lan Vy's blood pressure was low, she wasn't breathing, and her stomach was swelling. Lan Vy was really sick and we had to be there right away. Arriving at the hospital, the family waited outside while Chau and Hieu went in with their baby and the doctors. Lan Vy finally gave up the fight and Chau and Hieu finally got to hold her for the first and last time. She past away peacefully, without anymore tubes or wires on her.
You guys are probably anxious to call Chau up and see how she is doing..but I really ask you guys not to call her at this time. She is devestated and would not like too many phone calls. She did ask me to let you guys know though. If there are any questions or if you wanna call to see if she's ok just call me or email her. The funeral will probably be this weekend, but Chau, Hieu and the family would like the funeral to be a small closed one. I'm really sorry about this, I know some of you want to be there..but we do not want a very big funeral.
Thank you for reading all of this
Love and friendship
Hoa
Please forward to anyone i forgot.
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Hello ladies, this is Hoa..I'm writing this email to inform you guys of a very sad news. Chau and Hieu's newborn baby girl Lan-Vy past away last night (May 24, 2004) at 10:33 pm due to what doctors believe to be a sepsis infection that started in her gut causing her stomach to swell and then eventually spreading through her bloodstream. Doctors said Lan Vy put up a long, strong fight, but the infection spread too fast and her body slowly deteriorated. Doctors tried all their best but they could not save her life. This is her story: Lan Vy was born on Wednesday May 19 at around 2:30am. Chau had a complicated labor with her for about 22 hours. Doctors then decided on a C-section because Lan Vy's head was wedged in Chau's pelvis. When the baby was born, there was no sound of her crying. Lan Vy laid limp in the doctor's arm, she was not breathing. They quickly rushed her to Texas Children's Hospital where she was placed on a respirator with a tube down her throat. The tube pumped oxygen into her lungs also to help her breath. Before the baby headed to the hospital, Chau noticed that her two legs were shorter and smaller then the rest of her body. In addition, her legs were bowed and her feet were clubbed. Neither Chau nor Hieu got to hold their daughter before she was rushed off. Doctors were not sure why her legs were that way..they assumed that her skeleton did not form correctly or that there was a spontaneous mutation with her chromosomes causing her to have dwarfism. A couple days in the hospital, Lan Vy started breathing with little help from the respirator. Her heart was beating strongly and the doctors thought she would be ok. They ran a genetics test on her..but the results won't come back for one week. In the meantime, they were focusing on getting her to breathe on her own. On Monday May 24, doctors took the tube out of her throat and she was breathing fine without any help. Chau and Hieu got to hear her cry for the first time. They started feeding her milk through a tube that went from her nasal to her stomach and monitored her closely. When we came to visit her that afternoon she was doing great. Everyone thought she would soon come home. They were going to do a skeletal x-ray on her the next day to see what was wrong with her legs. At around 9pm that night, Chau and Hieu got a phone call from doctors saying Lan Vy's blood pressure was low, she wasn't breathing, and her stomach was swelling. Lan Vy was really sick and we had to be there right away. Arriving at the hospital, the family waited outside while Chau and Hieu went in with their baby and the doctors. Lan Vy finally gave up the fight and Chau and Hieu finally got to hold her for the first and last time. She past away peacefully, without anymore tubes or wires on her.
You guys are probably anxious to call Chau up and see how she is doing..but I really ask you guys not to call her at this time. She is devestated and would not like too many phone calls. She did ask me to let you guys know though. If there are any questions or if you wanna call to see if she's ok just call me or email her. The funeral will probably be this weekend, but Chau, Hieu and the family would like the funeral to be a small closed one. I'm really sorry about this, I know some of you want to be there..but we do not want a very big funeral.
Thank you for reading all of this
Love and friendship
Hoa
Please forward to anyone i forgot.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Happy birthday my sweet Lan Vy!
I gave birth to my beautiful first-born daughter this day 3 years ago. Hieu and I were married then for 5 years and decide it's time to start a family. I ditched my birth control pills and we tried for 6 months when I got pregnant with Lan Vy. I was very sick my first 3 months, throwing up every morning and night but after that I was great. Everything went smoothly during the pregnancy and even the 20-week ultrasound was perfect. Being first time parents, we read everything we can about the pregnancy and how to take care of the baby. We got all of our gears ready and took the birthing class so we'd know how to take care of our baby afterward. Thinking back I was such a naive little girl. I was never aware that things can go wrong beyond your first trimester. They never even mention it in any of the books I read and everyone around me got pregnant and brought their babies home. That's almost an expected thing. After you got through the first trimester, you are golden...or so I thought.
I got really uncomfortable by the last month of my pregnancy and Lan Vy stretched me out pretty badly. I remembered I was most depressed about the stretch marks then and mourn for my once smooth stomach. My OB agreed to induce me on her due date, 5/18/04, and we headed out for the hospital. I remembered we were so excited the night before because we finally get to meet our little girl. I've washed all her clothes, the crib is set in our room, the bag is packed, and her car seat is ready for her. I remembered telling Hieu that our life is about to change forever when we were heading out to the hospital. Being that naive person, I assume we just go to the hospital, I give birth and we come home with the baby. It's as easy as that. That's how everyone does it.
I went in at 5 in the morning and was put on picotin. I didn't progress any the whole day and they increased my dosage. I was on pain killer but it was a back labor and it was so painful even after practicing all I've been taught at the birthing class. At one point I told Hieu I gave up and can't do it anymore. Luckily I was 4cm by then and they gave me an epidural. I was finally ready to push at 12a.m. but the baby won't progress. My doctor finally said she's going to give me a c-section because she doesn't want to stress the baby out anymore than that. That was fine with me. I was exhausted after 22 hours of labor and just wanted to meet my baby.
They wheeled me into the OR and proceed with the operation. I felt them taken the baby out and was so excited to see my baby girl. Then I heard people scurrying around and huddled with my baby in the corner. I had no idea what's going on because I was exhausted and thought nothing of it. I remembered being left alone while they took care of my baby and I was so cold. I started shaking even after the nurse put two blankets on me. I don't even know if the doctor had sewed me up at this time yet. After I started shaking and I guess they stabilized Lan Vy, they came back to tend to me and I was returned to my room. We still wasn't sure what happened up to this point and our OB came in to informed us that our baby wasn't breathing when she came out but they put on the respirator and she's stabilized now. They are doing some tests on her and we will get to see her shortly.
It was probably 2 in the morning by this time and I was so tired I fell asleep for a bit. The on-call pediatrician came in at about 5 in the morning and told us all these things that could be wrong with our baby. I just remember bit and pieces of what she said. Something about her having club feet....chance of liver disease...lots of health problems..she may not make it. It was really the last thing a new mother who just went through birth and a surgery with no rest needed to hear. She wasn't even sugar-coating it, just was very curt about everything. It was my breaking point and Hieu and I started sobbing after the news. The hospital I was at was a birthing center and they are not equipped to take care of NICU babies. They only accept women who are full-term and with supposedly healthy pregnancies. Because of all the complications with Lan Vy, they had to transport her to Texas Children's Hospital by ambulance about 30 minutes away.
They finally wheeled her in and I got to see my baby for the first time since giving birth to her. It was about 6 in the morning. It was heart-breaking when they wheeled her in my room and I started crying again. She was in this plastic box with wires all over her and a respirator in her throat. There was only a hole for me to put my arm in and touch her hand. I couldn’t even hold my baby and now I have to be away from her. It was all too surreal for me. I remember calling my little sister after that to tell her the news and broke down crying. She called the rest of my family for me and was crying also. Our phone rang non-stop that morning but we turn it off because we were in no mood to talk to anyone. In addition, we had no good news to share. Our hearts are heavy and our emotions haywire. We tell people not to come visit us because our baby is not here so there is no point. I wasn't in the mood to socialize with anyone either. Our room was probably the most depressing room in the hospital with no flowers, no visitors, and no baby.
The next few days in the hospital at the labor and deliver wing without my baby was so hard. Hieu has to keep running back and forth to visit our baby and tend to me. He was exhausted and was torn between spending more time with Lan Vy and his duty to me. He took pictures and videos of our baby so I can see her. It was hard hearing the sound of babies crying in the rooms next door and I haven't even heard mine yet. Even the sight of the empty plastic cradle in our room depresses me. I just wanted to get out of there so I can go see my baby. I developed minor complications with my c-section and the OB wanted to keep me longer but knew how eager I was to leave. I remember having a fever and not sure what else. I realized later when I had Ky-An what a horrible job she did patching me up. I did get to leave after 3 days in the hospital and we headed straight to Texas Children's to see Lan vy.
Hieu borrowed a wheelchair from a friend and that's how I went to visit my baby girl for the next few days. I was still in pain from the c-section so I could never sit for more than 10 minutes there without being uncomfortable. I felt bad because that mean Hieu can't stay very long either and he said that's his biggest regret..not being able to spend more time with her. I felt partly responsible for that. She was asleep most of the time but we talked to the doctors and nurses constantly to check on her progress. All my families came to visit her every time we go and even my oldest sister came down from Dallas to support me. I told Hieu she probably experienced more love in that short 5 days then some children ever did their entire life.
On Tuesday, May 24th 2004, we were in good spirit leaving the hospital because they took her off the respirator and she's feeding well. Since she's off the respirator I could hear her cry for the first time today and it was so beautiful. She also fell asleep after I sang to her and I finally felt like a mother. They told us we can take her home in the next few days. I have been pumping since I left the hospital and have been talking the lactate consultant about it. I excitedly call her that day because my milk has come in and I was able to pump real milk for Lan Vy to drink. Before we left, I noticed her stomach was a bit swollen and we notified the nurse about it. The nurse said she'll tell the doctor and no one seem concern. Everyone was in such a good mood and I was actually hungry for the first time for a while. Hieu stopped by the McDonald's right outside the hospital so I can get some fries as a snack.
At 9p.m. that night as we were preparing to eat dinner that my mom cooked at our house when I got a phone all from the hospital. The nurse told us and I quote "Your baby is very sick. We need you to come right away." I think all the colors must have drained from my face because all my family got worry as soon as they saw me. I told them I must go to the hospital right away and we all rush out. We met my dad at the door and he drove us because he said Hieu is in no condition to drive. It was me, Hieu, my mom, my dad, and my little sister rushing to the hospital. That one ride to the hospital was the longest ride I've ever been in my life and people were saying stuff to me but I couldn't hear anything. I was in a daze. Even if I didn't believe it then, I knew in my heart this is my last chance seeing her. I just hope we make it in time and prayed the whole trip.
My dad dropped us off at the door and Hieu, my mom, and I rushed in first. I ran to her room and saw a group of doctors and nurses surround her. They said she has developed an infection and it was spreading fast. They are doing all they can. They shaved off a little chunk of hair on her head and inserted a tube into it. I was hurting just to see all these wires and needles in my baby. They said her heartbeat was unstable and they are trying to stabilize it. I talked to her and caress her hoping to help and give her some comfort in a room full of strangers. I told her I know she's a fighter and she won't give up. Suddenly I heard some beeping and her heart rate starts to fall. I can see the numbers really well and every beep my heart beats faster. They whisked me away to the family room after that and asked us to wait there. The room was far away but it's all glass so I can see the doctors trying to rescue her. I see frowns, stress, and then I see defeat. They told us as long as her heartbeat does not fall below 70 then she will be okay. I watched the monitor the entire time and keep hoping she will make it through. Hieu fell to his knees and beg God and his dad to help our baby girl. I cried out, it's below 70!!! My knees felt weak and I remembered falling to the floor. My mom was supporting me and I saw the doctors approaching us. I just knew what they were going to tell me and my heart shatters. The sound after that is not the beeping of the monitor but our sobbing and my family quietly sniffing.
I ran over to her crib and they were in the process of removing all her wires. She looked so peaceful and part of me was relieved for her. She's finally free...free of all the wires and the pain. Maybe Hieu's prayer was answered and his dad and god did help our baby girl. They help her by taking her away so she won't have to suffer anymore. We finally get to hold our baby for the first time since I gave birth to her. She still felt warm and my arms finally felt full. I held her for a bit but I guess I was still in shock because after a few minutes I put her down and was "done". Hieu held her after that and he sobbed uncontrollably. He didn't want to let her go and he had to pry him away because I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to get out of this hospital and away from all this. I was so drained. Hieu told me later that some of our close friends were there and they put a partition up for us for some privacy. He said there was not a dry eye in the room. I remember the doctors came by to offer us some counseling service and to wait for the priest. I said no, I just want to go home. There's nothing else for us at that hospital. We also refused the autopsy because we can't bear the thought of our baby being cut up after all that she has gone through. We just want to give her some peace and the doctor was very understanding. Thinking back I regret not donating her organs to other families in need. She could've saved some little lives who are suffering just like her.
I came home and had to call the lactose nurse that I excitedly talked to that morning on how to stop my milk production. It was as painful to stop as it was when it came in. The physical pain was no match the one I feel inside. There is nothing that can compare to the pain of losing a child.
The next few days Hieu kept busy by taking care of the funeral arrangements. I just stayed in my room, took my pain killers, and cried. I am lucky I wasn't addicted to the pain medication because I used them as a way to not face this painful reality. The next day my sister and her friend helped me pack up all of the gears and clothes our daughter never got to use. Things that we lovingly bought and imagined our daughter in. I asked Hieu to put up the crib right away because I can't stand looking at that empty crib any longer. Flowers and cards start flowing in and our house looked like a nursery. We truly never knew we had so much support and love. It helped tremendously, probably more than people know. Things started to quiet down and that's when my real emotions showed through. I had some really dark moments and didn't think I can live. I tried to find reasons to blame myself on all this and I wanted to commit suicide so I can see my baby again. Hieu and I hugged each other many nights and just cried uncontrollably. Not only did we lost our daughter but we also lost our hope and dreams that we had for her. Hieu was my rock during these moments.
We met with the geneticist afterward because they did some tests on Lan Vy while she was alive and the result just now came in. They finally can give us a diagnose on her condition. What she had was a rare genetics disorder call Campomelic Dysplasia. Basically she has 11 ribs instead of 12 and that crush her lungs making her unable to breathe on her own. All babies with this condition cannot live past infancy and the oldest one is 16 years. Even if she lived, her quality of live will not be that great. She has club feet and will mostly likely be a dwarf. They told us if she didn't pass away from the sepsis infection in her stomach, they would've asked us to make a decision to take her off the respirator. Thank goodness we didn't have to make that decision and god made it for us. They also told us that this disorder is not inherited so they can't test either one of us if we are the carrier. Basically it's just a bad egg and a bad sperm that got together and create this. Every sperm and egg carry different genes so even if they test one, it doesn't mean the others are safe. They gave us a 5-8% chance of having another baby with the same symptoms. This statistic is very low but it really means nothing to us. If Lan Vy's case is 1 in a couple hundred million chance of happening and it happened to us, what do those numbers really mean?
I went back to work after a month and the routine helped a little. The first few weeks after birth was hard because everywhere I go people keep asking about our baby. Even the pharmacist where I went to fill my prescriptions asked how our baby was. I had to change beauty salons, nail spa, and pharmacist to avoid these questions. Eventually we just told them Lan Vy is with her grandpa and they seem satisfied with that. The sight or thought of babies or newborn was still raw pain to us. I remembered Hieu was holding my nephew, who was 3 months old then, and I thought...he should be holding our baby right now! It hurt so badly. I can't even walk down the baby aisles at the stores and can't attend my friend's baby shower nor delivery. Even going back to see my OB for my 6-week checkup was heart-wrenching. I was in a roomful of pregnant women and one couple whom was in the birthing class with us was there with there new baby. It just seem so unfair that others get to have theirs and ours get taken away. Somehow my OB didn't even know my daughter passed away because I saw her as I came out of the bathroom. She cheerily asked how my baby was? I was on the verge of tears when I told her and she rushed me back to the room so she can check me and get me out of the office. I was in a shell hiding from the world for a long time. It's only recently that I've come out to see my friends and socialize more.
We were eager to try again to fill our empty hands and to fill the hole in our heart. I found a board on Babycenter called Trying to Conceive After a Loss and got such great support from the May '04 group. They truly helped me so much dealing with all my emotions and it helped to know there are others out there who knows what I am going through. I love them so much even though I've never met most of them. I still post there to this day and they still give me so much support after 3 years.
People often wonder how we can deal with such pain and live through it and I always tell them...you just do. You just make it through one day at a time until you see that light at the end of the tunnel. I made it through with lots of support from my family and friends..and of course Hieu. He dealt with the pain of his dad's death so he helped guide me through my own grief. He wouldn't let me give up and made me push through all the darkness. I owed him a lot and I prayed every night until we get Ky-An to please give him some happiness in his life because he has been through so much.
Now our house is fill with laughter again but Lan Vy's presence is still very strong and forever in our heart. If I have to do it all over again, I still won't change a thing. I am thankful to be able to meet Lan Vy, however short her stay on earth was. She taught me many things through her short life and I truly believe I won't be as appreciative and as patient with Ky-An if I didn't go through this tragedy.
Lan Vy's baby shower at Hieu's work:
Lan Vy's shower with friends and family:
Here's our beautiful baby girl:
The funeral..so many wanted to come but we wanted it to be small.
We've came a long way. Here we are today:
I got really uncomfortable by the last month of my pregnancy and Lan Vy stretched me out pretty badly. I remembered I was most depressed about the stretch marks then and mourn for my once smooth stomach. My OB agreed to induce me on her due date, 5/18/04, and we headed out for the hospital. I remembered we were so excited the night before because we finally get to meet our little girl. I've washed all her clothes, the crib is set in our room, the bag is packed, and her car seat is ready for her. I remembered telling Hieu that our life is about to change forever when we were heading out to the hospital. Being that naive person, I assume we just go to the hospital, I give birth and we come home with the baby. It's as easy as that. That's how everyone does it.
I went in at 5 in the morning and was put on picotin. I didn't progress any the whole day and they increased my dosage. I was on pain killer but it was a back labor and it was so painful even after practicing all I've been taught at the birthing class. At one point I told Hieu I gave up and can't do it anymore. Luckily I was 4cm by then and they gave me an epidural. I was finally ready to push at 12a.m. but the baby won't progress. My doctor finally said she's going to give me a c-section because she doesn't want to stress the baby out anymore than that. That was fine with me. I was exhausted after 22 hours of labor and just wanted to meet my baby.
They wheeled me into the OR and proceed with the operation. I felt them taken the baby out and was so excited to see my baby girl. Then I heard people scurrying around and huddled with my baby in the corner. I had no idea what's going on because I was exhausted and thought nothing of it. I remembered being left alone while they took care of my baby and I was so cold. I started shaking even after the nurse put two blankets on me. I don't even know if the doctor had sewed me up at this time yet. After I started shaking and I guess they stabilized Lan Vy, they came back to tend to me and I was returned to my room. We still wasn't sure what happened up to this point and our OB came in to informed us that our baby wasn't breathing when she came out but they put on the respirator and she's stabilized now. They are doing some tests on her and we will get to see her shortly.
It was probably 2 in the morning by this time and I was so tired I fell asleep for a bit. The on-call pediatrician came in at about 5 in the morning and told us all these things that could be wrong with our baby. I just remember bit and pieces of what she said. Something about her having club feet....chance of liver disease...lots of health problems..she may not make it. It was really the last thing a new mother who just went through birth and a surgery with no rest needed to hear. She wasn't even sugar-coating it, just was very curt about everything. It was my breaking point and Hieu and I started sobbing after the news. The hospital I was at was a birthing center and they are not equipped to take care of NICU babies. They only accept women who are full-term and with supposedly healthy pregnancies. Because of all the complications with Lan Vy, they had to transport her to Texas Children's Hospital by ambulance about 30 minutes away.
They finally wheeled her in and I got to see my baby for the first time since giving birth to her. It was about 6 in the morning. It was heart-breaking when they wheeled her in my room and I started crying again. She was in this plastic box with wires all over her and a respirator in her throat. There was only a hole for me to put my arm in and touch her hand. I couldn’t even hold my baby and now I have to be away from her. It was all too surreal for me. I remember calling my little sister after that to tell her the news and broke down crying. She called the rest of my family for me and was crying also. Our phone rang non-stop that morning but we turn it off because we were in no mood to talk to anyone. In addition, we had no good news to share. Our hearts are heavy and our emotions haywire. We tell people not to come visit us because our baby is not here so there is no point. I wasn't in the mood to socialize with anyone either. Our room was probably the most depressing room in the hospital with no flowers, no visitors, and no baby.
The next few days in the hospital at the labor and deliver wing without my baby was so hard. Hieu has to keep running back and forth to visit our baby and tend to me. He was exhausted and was torn between spending more time with Lan Vy and his duty to me. He took pictures and videos of our baby so I can see her. It was hard hearing the sound of babies crying in the rooms next door and I haven't even heard mine yet. Even the sight of the empty plastic cradle in our room depresses me. I just wanted to get out of there so I can go see my baby. I developed minor complications with my c-section and the OB wanted to keep me longer but knew how eager I was to leave. I remember having a fever and not sure what else. I realized later when I had Ky-An what a horrible job she did patching me up. I did get to leave after 3 days in the hospital and we headed straight to Texas Children's to see Lan vy.
Hieu borrowed a wheelchair from a friend and that's how I went to visit my baby girl for the next few days. I was still in pain from the c-section so I could never sit for more than 10 minutes there without being uncomfortable. I felt bad because that mean Hieu can't stay very long either and he said that's his biggest regret..not being able to spend more time with her. I felt partly responsible for that. She was asleep most of the time but we talked to the doctors and nurses constantly to check on her progress. All my families came to visit her every time we go and even my oldest sister came down from Dallas to support me. I told Hieu she probably experienced more love in that short 5 days then some children ever did their entire life.
On Tuesday, May 24th 2004, we were in good spirit leaving the hospital because they took her off the respirator and she's feeding well. Since she's off the respirator I could hear her cry for the first time today and it was so beautiful. She also fell asleep after I sang to her and I finally felt like a mother. They told us we can take her home in the next few days. I have been pumping since I left the hospital and have been talking the lactate consultant about it. I excitedly call her that day because my milk has come in and I was able to pump real milk for Lan Vy to drink. Before we left, I noticed her stomach was a bit swollen and we notified the nurse about it. The nurse said she'll tell the doctor and no one seem concern. Everyone was in such a good mood and I was actually hungry for the first time for a while. Hieu stopped by the McDonald's right outside the hospital so I can get some fries as a snack.
At 9p.m. that night as we were preparing to eat dinner that my mom cooked at our house when I got a phone all from the hospital. The nurse told us and I quote "Your baby is very sick. We need you to come right away." I think all the colors must have drained from my face because all my family got worry as soon as they saw me. I told them I must go to the hospital right away and we all rush out. We met my dad at the door and he drove us because he said Hieu is in no condition to drive. It was me, Hieu, my mom, my dad, and my little sister rushing to the hospital. That one ride to the hospital was the longest ride I've ever been in my life and people were saying stuff to me but I couldn't hear anything. I was in a daze. Even if I didn't believe it then, I knew in my heart this is my last chance seeing her. I just hope we make it in time and prayed the whole trip.
My dad dropped us off at the door and Hieu, my mom, and I rushed in first. I ran to her room and saw a group of doctors and nurses surround her. They said she has developed an infection and it was spreading fast. They are doing all they can. They shaved off a little chunk of hair on her head and inserted a tube into it. I was hurting just to see all these wires and needles in my baby. They said her heartbeat was unstable and they are trying to stabilize it. I talked to her and caress her hoping to help and give her some comfort in a room full of strangers. I told her I know she's a fighter and she won't give up. Suddenly I heard some beeping and her heart rate starts to fall. I can see the numbers really well and every beep my heart beats faster. They whisked me away to the family room after that and asked us to wait there. The room was far away but it's all glass so I can see the doctors trying to rescue her. I see frowns, stress, and then I see defeat. They told us as long as her heartbeat does not fall below 70 then she will be okay. I watched the monitor the entire time and keep hoping she will make it through. Hieu fell to his knees and beg God and his dad to help our baby girl. I cried out, it's below 70!!! My knees felt weak and I remembered falling to the floor. My mom was supporting me and I saw the doctors approaching us. I just knew what they were going to tell me and my heart shatters. The sound after that is not the beeping of the monitor but our sobbing and my family quietly sniffing.
I ran over to her crib and they were in the process of removing all her wires. She looked so peaceful and part of me was relieved for her. She's finally free...free of all the wires and the pain. Maybe Hieu's prayer was answered and his dad and god did help our baby girl. They help her by taking her away so she won't have to suffer anymore. We finally get to hold our baby for the first time since I gave birth to her. She still felt warm and my arms finally felt full. I held her for a bit but I guess I was still in shock because after a few minutes I put her down and was "done". Hieu held her after that and he sobbed uncontrollably. He didn't want to let her go and he had to pry him away because I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to get out of this hospital and away from all this. I was so drained. Hieu told me later that some of our close friends were there and they put a partition up for us for some privacy. He said there was not a dry eye in the room. I remember the doctors came by to offer us some counseling service and to wait for the priest. I said no, I just want to go home. There's nothing else for us at that hospital. We also refused the autopsy because we can't bear the thought of our baby being cut up after all that she has gone through. We just want to give her some peace and the doctor was very understanding. Thinking back I regret not donating her organs to other families in need. She could've saved some little lives who are suffering just like her.
I came home and had to call the lactose nurse that I excitedly talked to that morning on how to stop my milk production. It was as painful to stop as it was when it came in. The physical pain was no match the one I feel inside. There is nothing that can compare to the pain of losing a child.
The next few days Hieu kept busy by taking care of the funeral arrangements. I just stayed in my room, took my pain killers, and cried. I am lucky I wasn't addicted to the pain medication because I used them as a way to not face this painful reality. The next day my sister and her friend helped me pack up all of the gears and clothes our daughter never got to use. Things that we lovingly bought and imagined our daughter in. I asked Hieu to put up the crib right away because I can't stand looking at that empty crib any longer. Flowers and cards start flowing in and our house looked like a nursery. We truly never knew we had so much support and love. It helped tremendously, probably more than people know. Things started to quiet down and that's when my real emotions showed through. I had some really dark moments and didn't think I can live. I tried to find reasons to blame myself on all this and I wanted to commit suicide so I can see my baby again. Hieu and I hugged each other many nights and just cried uncontrollably. Not only did we lost our daughter but we also lost our hope and dreams that we had for her. Hieu was my rock during these moments.
We met with the geneticist afterward because they did some tests on Lan Vy while she was alive and the result just now came in. They finally can give us a diagnose on her condition. What she had was a rare genetics disorder call Campomelic Dysplasia. Basically she has 11 ribs instead of 12 and that crush her lungs making her unable to breathe on her own. All babies with this condition cannot live past infancy and the oldest one is 16 years. Even if she lived, her quality of live will not be that great. She has club feet and will mostly likely be a dwarf. They told us if she didn't pass away from the sepsis infection in her stomach, they would've asked us to make a decision to take her off the respirator. Thank goodness we didn't have to make that decision and god made it for us. They also told us that this disorder is not inherited so they can't test either one of us if we are the carrier. Basically it's just a bad egg and a bad sperm that got together and create this. Every sperm and egg carry different genes so even if they test one, it doesn't mean the others are safe. They gave us a 5-8% chance of having another baby with the same symptoms. This statistic is very low but it really means nothing to us. If Lan Vy's case is 1 in a couple hundred million chance of happening and it happened to us, what do those numbers really mean?
I went back to work after a month and the routine helped a little. The first few weeks after birth was hard because everywhere I go people keep asking about our baby. Even the pharmacist where I went to fill my prescriptions asked how our baby was. I had to change beauty salons, nail spa, and pharmacist to avoid these questions. Eventually we just told them Lan Vy is with her grandpa and they seem satisfied with that. The sight or thought of babies or newborn was still raw pain to us. I remembered Hieu was holding my nephew, who was 3 months old then, and I thought...he should be holding our baby right now! It hurt so badly. I can't even walk down the baby aisles at the stores and can't attend my friend's baby shower nor delivery. Even going back to see my OB for my 6-week checkup was heart-wrenching. I was in a roomful of pregnant women and one couple whom was in the birthing class with us was there with there new baby. It just seem so unfair that others get to have theirs and ours get taken away. Somehow my OB didn't even know my daughter passed away because I saw her as I came out of the bathroom. She cheerily asked how my baby was? I was on the verge of tears when I told her and she rushed me back to the room so she can check me and get me out of the office. I was in a shell hiding from the world for a long time. It's only recently that I've come out to see my friends and socialize more.
We were eager to try again to fill our empty hands and to fill the hole in our heart. I found a board on Babycenter called Trying to Conceive After a Loss and got such great support from the May '04 group. They truly helped me so much dealing with all my emotions and it helped to know there are others out there who knows what I am going through. I love them so much even though I've never met most of them. I still post there to this day and they still give me so much support after 3 years.
People often wonder how we can deal with such pain and live through it and I always tell them...you just do. You just make it through one day at a time until you see that light at the end of the tunnel. I made it through with lots of support from my family and friends..and of course Hieu. He dealt with the pain of his dad's death so he helped guide me through my own grief. He wouldn't let me give up and made me push through all the darkness. I owed him a lot and I prayed every night until we get Ky-An to please give him some happiness in his life because he has been through so much.
Now our house is fill with laughter again but Lan Vy's presence is still very strong and forever in our heart. If I have to do it all over again, I still won't change a thing. I am thankful to be able to meet Lan Vy, however short her stay on earth was. She taught me many things through her short life and I truly believe I won't be as appreciative and as patient with Ky-An if I didn't go through this tragedy.
Lan Vy's baby shower at Hieu's work:
Lan Vy's shower with friends and family:
Here's our beautiful baby girl:
The funeral..so many wanted to come but we wanted it to be small.
We've came a long way. Here we are today:
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