Happy Birthday Lan Vy!!! We miss you!

Our first-born daughter, Lan-Vy, would've been four years old today. It's just amazing how time flies. If you want to read what happened to our sweet daughter, here's a link to last year's post: http://ky-an.blogspot.com/2007/05/happy-birthday-my-sweet-lan-vy.html. This is the first year that her birthday doesn't affect me as much and in place of the sadness I felt previous years, I feel guilt. Guilty for not missing her as much, guilty for not being as sad, guilty for not visiting her as much as I should, and guilty for not making as much preparation for her birthday as other years.

Let me pick up from the events following Lan Vy's death. It took us a year and a half of praying and wishing before Ky-An came to us. If it wasn't for the ladies on my Trying to Concieve after a Loss board on Babycenter, I will never have made it through that difficult time. I learned all about charting, taking temperature, Ovulation Predictor Kit, Egg White Mucus, 2 weeks wait, and Baby Dancing. :) Right after we lost Lan Vy, I was desperate for some hope in our future so we went to see a fortune-teller who is a friend of the family. Some of you may think going to see a fortune-teller is way off in la-la land but fortune-tellers is an act of therapy in the Vietnamese community. I wasn't going to take every word she says as prophet, I just wanted some hope that we will get to love and hold a child again. She told us that we just lost a baby (I thought, okay she could've got that from my mom so no news there.) She said that our baby is still with us and that she was supposed to be a boy. (My first ultrasound the tech told me Lan-Vy was a boy. In my later ultrasounds, they rescinded and told me our baby is a girl. Later the geneticist to us that her condition sometimes causes a gender change. I also notice that when she was born. However, this is private news and we never told anyone including my family. )She then told us that the baby will come back to us and she'll be the gender she's suppose to be, which means a boy.

I got pregnant with Ky-an and it was right on Lan Vy's birthday. I took that as a sign and just knew from the very beginning it was going to be a boy. I had no doubt in my mind whatsoever. I was very careful with Ky-An's pregnancy. I don't run, don't walk fast..basically not doing anything that I feel could cause too much motion for the baby. I didn't break the news to my family until I was well past 4 months. My oldest sister came to me and nervously tells me she's pregnant again with her second child. She said she wanted me to be pregnant again first and didn't mean for this to happen. I felt so bad for her so I broke the news. We had intended to keep it from everyone for as long as possible. We didn't want to make big deal out of Ky-An's pregnancy like with Lan Vy. We just don't want to lose our child again and then having to break the news to everyone. That part was just too painful and we didn't want to go through that again. I didn't buy anything in preparation for Ky-An's birth. I refused baby showers because we still have everything from Lan Vy. In addition, I was superstitious and didn't want to prepare anything in case we jinx it. I am normally not a suppositious person but I wasn't going to take any chance on this.

We get to see a high-risk OB this time and she gave us a ultrasound every visit so that help a lot with our anxiety. I remembered getting so worked up before every visit until she told us everything is okay then I'll relax for a couple of days before worrying about the next visit. We have so many scares with the pregnancy also. Our OB does the measurements at every visit and always measures his limbs and legs to make sure they are growing on target. One time she told us his limbs are short and that could be a sign of dwarfism. We were so worried but took comfort in the fact that at least it's not fatal. Turn out he just missed a growth spurt because at the next visit he was normal. She then found an echo in his heart and that combine with a large head can be signs of down syndrome. She pushed us to get the quad test but we refused. I feel like if I don't know then at least there is still hope for a miracle. If we get the test then everything was just too final. It's like having a verdict on his condition. The statistic of having early labor with the test is about the same as our baby having Down Syndrome so we just don't want to take that chance. In addition, we just don't need to know because we will love this baby no matter what. She wasn't happy with the decision but she did monitor him closely until I gave birth.

Up until the day I gave birth, we didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy except for our families and the closest friends. The only thing I bought for him was a going home outfit. I remember thinking as I bought it that if he doesn't make it, we can still wear it for him for the funeral. Isn't that the most morbid thought for a mom who is about to give birth???! We didn't have the crib set up and nothing baby related is out of the attic. I want to make sure I brought him home before anything gets unpacked. I really was not strong enough to pack everything up the second time with no baby.

I was petrified when I got to the hospital on Ky-An's delivery day. When I got wheeled to the OR, I was shaking with nervousness and I literally held my breath until I heard him cry. His cry was just the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life and I still don't mind it to this day. I let out a huge sigh of relief and waited with open arms to hold the baby I've been waiting for so long.

We still didn't relax after we brought Ky-An home. We were still afraid he will be taking away from us in some other form and this time it will be SIDS. Every time he stirs, I will run in to make sure if he's okay. Heck I was running in every 10 minutes to make sure he's still breathing whenever he's sleeping quietly. I did it until he's almost one-year-old. It's not that I relaxed any, mind you. It's because Hieu installed a camera in our room so I can watch him from outside. I am so thankful for that camera because it gives me so much peace of mind instead of letting my imagination runs wild.

I've changed and learned so much since her passing. I don't think I would've been as patient, as nurturing, nor as understanding of my babies now if Lan Vy didn't make me realize how blessed I am. Whenever I see a child who is sick or suffering, it pulls a chord at my heart and my heart just break for the child as well as the parents. My experience with Lan Vy also allows me to help some friends through their miscarriages and still births that I am thankful for. We just feel so blessed and thankful for both our kids every day. They both still sleep with us and neither of us mind it one bit. We just love having them close to us and are able to watch them sleep like angels as we drift off to sleep.

We didn't bring a hat so this will just have to do:




Flowers I got her:


It was too hot and sunny that day so Uncle Joseph has the role to shade the kids.


Ky-An just woke up from his nap:


Family picture at the cementery:


Ky-An wants to move the flower pot to big sister, Lan Vy:



Then he brought over the bouquet of flowers:


Daddy finally gets to hold a daughter: