Happy birthday my sweet Lan Vy!

I gave birth to my beautiful first-born daughter this day 3 years ago. Hieu and I were married then for 5 years and decide it's time to start a family. I ditched my birth control pills and we tried for 6 months when I got pregnant with Lan Vy. I was very sick my first 3 months, throwing up every morning and night but after that I was great. Everything went smoothly during the pregnancy and even the 20-week ultrasound was perfect. Being first time parents, we read everything we can about the pregnancy and how to take care of the baby. We got all of our gears ready and took the birthing class so we'd know how to take care of our baby afterward. Thinking back I was such a naive little girl. I was never aware that things can go wrong beyond your first trimester. They never even mention it in any of the books I read and everyone around me got pregnant and brought their babies home. That's almost an expected thing. After you got through the first trimester, you are golden...or so I thought.

I got really uncomfortable by the last month of my pregnancy and Lan Vy stretched me out pretty badly. I remembered I was most depressed about the stretch marks then and mourn for my once smooth stomach. My OB agreed to induce me on her due date, 5/18/04, and we headed out for the hospital. I remembered we were so excited the night before because we finally get to meet our little girl. I've washed all her clothes, the crib is set in our room, the bag is packed, and her car seat is ready for her. I remembered telling Hieu that our life is about to change forever when we were heading out to the hospital. Being that naive person, I assume we just go to the hospital, I give birth and we come home with the baby. It's as easy as that. That's how everyone does it.

I went in at 5 in the morning and was put on picotin. I didn't progress any the whole day and they increased my dosage. I was on pain killer but it was a back labor and it was so painful even after practicing all I've been taught at the birthing class. At one point I told Hieu I gave up and can't do it anymore. Luckily I was 4cm by then and they gave me an epidural. I was finally ready to push at 12a.m. but the baby won't progress. My doctor finally said she's going to give me a c-section because she doesn't want to stress the baby out anymore than that. That was fine with me. I was exhausted after 22 hours of labor and just wanted to meet my baby.

They wheeled me into the OR and proceed with the operation. I felt them taken the baby out and was so excited to see my baby girl. Then I heard people scurrying around and huddled with my baby in the corner. I had no idea what's going on because I was exhausted and thought nothing of it. I remembered being left alone while they took care of my baby and I was so cold. I started shaking even after the nurse put two blankets on me. I don't even know if the doctor had sewed me up at this time yet. After I started shaking and I guess they stabilized Lan Vy, they came back to tend to me and I was returned to my room. We still wasn't sure what happened up to this point and our OB came in to informed us that our baby wasn't breathing when she came out but they put on the respirator and she's stabilized now. They are doing some tests on her and we will get to see her shortly.

It was probably 2 in the morning by this time and I was so tired I fell asleep for a bit. The on-call pediatrician came in at about 5 in the morning and told us all these things that could be wrong with our baby. I just remember bit and pieces of what she said. Something about her having club feet....chance of liver disease...lots of health problems..she may not make it. It was really the last thing a new mother who just went through birth and a surgery with no rest needed to hear. She wasn't even sugar-coating it, just was very curt about everything. It was my breaking point and Hieu and I started sobbing after the news. The hospital I was at was a birthing center and they are not equipped to take care of NICU babies. They only accept women who are full-term and with supposedly healthy pregnancies. Because of all the complications with Lan Vy, they had to transport her to Texas Children's Hospital by ambulance about 30 minutes away.

They finally wheeled her in and I got to see my baby for the first time since giving birth to her. It was about 6 in the morning. It was heart-breaking when they wheeled her in my room and I started crying again. She was in this plastic box with wires all over her and a respirator in her throat. There was only a hole for me to put my arm in and touch her hand. I couldn’t even hold my baby and now I have to be away from her. It was all too surreal for me. I remember calling my little sister after that to tell her the news and broke down crying. She called the rest of my family for me and was crying also. Our phone rang non-stop that morning but we turn it off because we were in no mood to talk to anyone. In addition, we had no good news to share. Our hearts are heavy and our emotions haywire. We tell people not to come visit us because our baby is not here so there is no point. I wasn't in the mood to socialize with anyone either. Our room was probably the most depressing room in the hospital with no flowers, no visitors, and no baby.

The next few days in the hospital at the labor and deliver wing without my baby was so hard. Hieu has to keep running back and forth to visit our baby and tend to me. He was exhausted and was torn between spending more time with Lan Vy and his duty to me. He took pictures and videos of our baby so I can see her. It was hard hearing the sound of babies crying in the rooms next door and I haven't even heard mine yet. Even the sight of the empty plastic cradle in our room depresses me. I just wanted to get out of there so I can go see my baby. I developed minor complications with my c-section and the OB wanted to keep me longer but knew how eager I was to leave. I remember having a fever and not sure what else. I realized later when I had Ky-An what a horrible job she did patching me up. I did get to leave after 3 days in the hospital and we headed straight to Texas Children's to see Lan vy.

Hieu borrowed a wheelchair from a friend and that's how I went to visit my baby girl for the next few days. I was still in pain from the c-section so I could never sit for more than 10 minutes there without being uncomfortable. I felt bad because that mean Hieu can't stay very long either and he said that's his biggest regret..not being able to spend more time with her. I felt partly responsible for that. She was asleep most of the time but we talked to the doctors and nurses constantly to check on her progress. All my families came to visit her every time we go and even my oldest sister came down from Dallas to support me. I told Hieu she probably experienced more love in that short 5 days then some children ever did their entire life.

On Tuesday, May 24th 2004, we were in good spirit leaving the hospital because they took her off the respirator and she's feeding well. Since she's off the respirator I could hear her cry for the first time today and it was so beautiful. She also fell asleep after I sang to her and I finally felt like a mother. They told us we can take her home in the next few days. I have been pumping since I left the hospital and have been talking the lactate consultant about it. I excitedly call her that day because my milk has come in and I was able to pump real milk for Lan Vy to drink. Before we left, I noticed her stomach was a bit swollen and we notified the nurse about it. The nurse said she'll tell the doctor and no one seem concern. Everyone was in such a good mood and I was actually hungry for the first time for a while. Hieu stopped by the McDonald's right outside the hospital so I can get some fries as a snack.

At 9p.m. that night as we were preparing to eat dinner that my mom cooked at our house when I got a phone all from the hospital. The nurse told us and I quote "Your baby is very sick. We need you to come right away." I think all the colors must have drained from my face because all my family got worry as soon as they saw me. I told them I must go to the hospital right away and we all rush out. We met my dad at the door and he drove us because he said Hieu is in no condition to drive. It was me, Hieu, my mom, my dad, and my little sister rushing to the hospital. That one ride to the hospital was the longest ride I've ever been in my life and people were saying stuff to me but I couldn't hear anything. I was in a daze. Even if I didn't believe it then, I knew in my heart this is my last chance seeing her. I just hope we make it in time and prayed the whole trip.

My dad dropped us off at the door and Hieu, my mom, and I rushed in first. I ran to her room and saw a group of doctors and nurses surround her. They said she has developed an infection and it was spreading fast. They are doing all they can. They shaved off a little chunk of hair on her head and inserted a tube into it. I was hurting just to see all these wires and needles in my baby. They said her heartbeat was unstable and they are trying to stabilize it. I talked to her and caress her hoping to help and give her some comfort in a room full of strangers. I told her I know she's a fighter and she won't give up. Suddenly I heard some beeping and her heart rate starts to fall. I can see the numbers really well and every beep my heart beats faster. They whisked me away to the family room after that and asked us to wait there. The room was far away but it's all glass so I can see the doctors trying to rescue her. I see frowns, stress, and then I see defeat. They told us as long as her heartbeat does not fall below 70 then she will be okay. I watched the monitor the entire time and keep hoping she will make it through. Hieu fell to his knees and beg God and his dad to help our baby girl. I cried out, it's below 70!!! My knees felt weak and I remembered falling to the floor. My mom was supporting me and I saw the doctors approaching us. I just knew what they were going to tell me and my heart shatters. The sound after that is not the beeping of the monitor but our sobbing and my family quietly sniffing.

I ran over to her crib and they were in the process of removing all her wires. She looked so peaceful and part of me was relieved for her. She's finally free...free of all the wires and the pain. Maybe Hieu's prayer was answered and his dad and god did help our baby girl. They help her by taking her away so she won't have to suffer anymore. We finally get to hold our baby for the first time since I gave birth to her. She still felt warm and my arms finally felt full. I held her for a bit but I guess I was still in shock because after a few minutes I put her down and was "done". Hieu held her after that and he sobbed uncontrollably. He didn't want to let her go and he had to pry him away because I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to get out of this hospital and away from all this. I was so drained. Hieu told me later that some of our close friends were there and they put a partition up for us for some privacy. He said there was not a dry eye in the room. I remember the doctors came by to offer us some counseling service and to wait for the priest. I said no, I just want to go home. There's nothing else for us at that hospital. We also refused the autopsy because we can't bear the thought of our baby being cut up after all that she has gone through. We just want to give her some peace and the doctor was very understanding. Thinking back I regret not donating her organs to other families in need. She could've saved some little lives who are suffering just like her.

I came home and had to call the lactose nurse that I excitedly talked to that morning on how to stop my milk production. It was as painful to stop as it was when it came in. The physical pain was no match the one I feel inside. There is nothing that can compare to the pain of losing a child.

The next few days Hieu kept busy by taking care of the funeral arrangements. I just stayed in my room, took my pain killers, and cried. I am lucky I wasn't addicted to the pain medication because I used them as a way to not face this painful reality. The next day my sister and her friend helped me pack up all of the gears and clothes our daughter never got to use. Things that we lovingly bought and imagined our daughter in. I asked Hieu to put up the crib right away because I can't stand looking at that empty crib any longer. Flowers and cards start flowing in and our house looked like a nursery. We truly never knew we had so much support and love. It helped tremendously, probably more than people know. Things started to quiet down and that's when my real emotions showed through. I had some really dark moments and didn't think I can live. I tried to find reasons to blame myself on all this and I wanted to commit suicide so I can see my baby again. Hieu and I hugged each other many nights and just cried uncontrollably. Not only did we lost our daughter but we also lost our hope and dreams that we had for her. Hieu was my rock during these moments.

We met with the geneticist afterward because they did some tests on Lan Vy while she was alive and the result just now came in. They finally can give us a diagnose on her condition. What she had was a rare genetics disorder call Campomelic Dysplasia. Basically she has 11 ribs instead of 12 and that crush her lungs making her unable to breathe on her own. All babies with this condition cannot live past infancy and the oldest one is 16 years. Even if she lived, her quality of live will not be that great. She has club feet and will mostly likely be a dwarf. They told us if she didn't pass away from the sepsis infection in her stomach, they would've asked us to make a decision to take her off the respirator. Thank goodness we didn't have to make that decision and god made it for us. They also told us that this disorder is not inherited so they can't test either one of us if we are the carrier. Basically it's just a bad egg and a bad sperm that got together and create this. Every sperm and egg carry different genes so even if they test one, it doesn't mean the others are safe. They gave us a 5-8% chance of having another baby with the same symptoms. This statistic is very low but it really means nothing to us. If Lan Vy's case is 1 in a couple hundred million chance of happening and it happened to us, what do those numbers really mean?

I went back to work after a month and the routine helped a little. The first few weeks after birth was hard because everywhere I go people keep asking about our baby. Even the pharmacist where I went to fill my prescriptions asked how our baby was. I had to change beauty salons, nail spa, and pharmacist to avoid these questions. Eventually we just told them Lan Vy is with her grandpa and they seem satisfied with that. The sight or thought of babies or newborn was still raw pain to us. I remembered Hieu was holding my nephew, who was 3 months old then, and I thought...he should be holding our baby right now! It hurt so badly. I can't even walk down the baby aisles at the stores and can't attend my friend's baby shower nor delivery. Even going back to see my OB for my 6-week checkup was heart-wrenching. I was in a roomful of pregnant women and one couple whom was in the birthing class with us was there with there new baby. It just seem so unfair that others get to have theirs and ours get taken away. Somehow my OB didn't even know my daughter passed away because I saw her as I came out of the bathroom. She cheerily asked how my baby was? I was on the verge of tears when I told her and she rushed me back to the room so she can check me and get me out of the office. I was in a shell hiding from the world for a long time. It's only recently that I've come out to see my friends and socialize more.

We were eager to try again to fill our empty hands and to fill the hole in our heart. I found a board on Babycenter called Trying to Conceive After a Loss and got such great support from the May '04 group. They truly helped me so much dealing with all my emotions and it helped to know there are others out there who knows what I am going through. I love them so much even though I've never met most of them. I still post there to this day and they still give me so much support after 3 years.

People often wonder how we can deal with such pain and live through it and I always tell them...you just do. You just make it through one day at a time until you see that light at the end of the tunnel. I made it through with lots of support from my family and friends..and of course Hieu. He dealt with the pain of his dad's death so he helped guide me through my own grief. He wouldn't let me give up and made me push through all the darkness. I owed him a lot and I prayed every night until we get Ky-An to please give him some happiness in his life because he has been through so much.

Now our house is fill with laughter again but Lan Vy's presence is still very strong and forever in our heart. If I have to do it all over again, I still won't change a thing. I am thankful to be able to meet Lan Vy, however short her stay on earth was. She taught me many things through her short life and I truly believe I won't be as appreciative and as patient with Ky-An if I didn't go through this tragedy.

Lan Vy's baby shower at Hieu's work:


Lan Vy's shower with friends and family:


Here's our beautiful baby girl:




The funeral..so many wanted to come but we wanted it to be small.




We've came a long way. Here we are today: