I am a planner and I had a life plan when I was younger. We all had an idea of how we want to be and what we do with our life. Get married by 25, have my first kid before 30, be done by 35. So far that's working pretty well and I've beat all my deadlines: I got married at 22, had my first baby by 29, and plan to be done before 35. I also had a career plan that I am not following along too well: Make 50K by the time I am 25 and 100K by the time I am 30. The 50K part was not too hard to attain, the 100 by the time I am 30 is not as easy as I thought. I am still working on it. I probably won't get there until I am 35 or so.
I also had a fantasy idea of what kind of mom I'd be. I've always thought I'd be one of those super moms who can juggle work, baby, and a domestic goddess. Anything is possible when you are young right? I dreamt I would be a gorgeous mom (a MILF), skinny, stylish, and carting my kids around in high heels in my luxurious SUV. My hair will always be done and looks nice. All the men will drool over me and wish their wife have it together like that.
Well...I think my husband is the one looking at those super mom and wish I can be like that. I need a haircut 6 months ago and let's not even talk about style. I think I only managed to blow dry my hair when there's an extra special occasion; otherwise they are tied in a ponytail. I am doing really well if I manage to shower more than 3 times a week, lovely right? Clothes? I am still in denial and am "waiting" to fit back in my old clothes. I haven't been able to do that in the past 3 years! (But hey, I've been pregnant most of those times.) I don't want to buy many clothes that will fit me IN CASE I lose the weight and don't need them anymore. My outfit everyday is not what looks good but what I can fit into. If I am at home, I don't even want to make the effort to change out of my pajamas. Getting ready to go anywhere is just so much work. My make-up is concealer for my dark circles, powder, eyebrow pencil, eyeliner, and some lip balm. I came out of the shower yesterday and my sister asked why my eyes are so black! Sexy.
Let's not even talk about housework because it's embarrassing. The only clean up I do is run around to pick stuff off the floor before the cleaners come every 2 weeks. I haven't managed to cook for over a year. We usually do takeouts or have someone cook for us. Very sad indeed. I feel badly about that and wish I have the energy to cook. I am just so tired all the time, even before I was pregnant. I don't even do the dishes on most days. Hieu does the bottles everyday and my sister, him, and his little brother alternate doing the dishes while I lay on the couch watching TV. I can't even get out to go grocery shopping every week. Whenever it's time to go, I am too exhausted to do it. I've been writing a list and Hieu has been taking care of most of the grocery shopping and household supplies this past year. No domestic goddess here. That was BK (Before Kids). I feel like such a loser. Why don't I have more energy? Why am I always tired? Other moms can do all this and I can't even accomplish one task! I know I currently have an excuse but not this whole past year.
If I am not working at a government office and my boss is not my friend, I am sure I'd be fire a long time ago. I used to work at a Fortune 400 company with plans to pursue my MBA degree. Now all that is on hold until the kids are older. I slack off big time at my job. Most days I just sit there and surf the web or look at pictures of Ky-An.
This is not a pity-party, I am not sad about the kind of mom I turn out to be. I even surprise myself of how patient I am with Ky-An and how much I love him. I never thought I'd be such a nurturing mom who puts her kids above her life. I never thought I am okay with dirty diapers, poop, and throw ups. Hieu and I spend every spare moment with him and that's how we wanted it to be. I just wish I can do more as a mom and a woman. I wish I am able to manage my time to cook everyday. Or even be like those moms who prepare their meals in the weekends! I wish I can go places with Ky-An without having to wait for Hieu because Ky-An is too heavy for me to carry around. I wish I wouldn't feel so guilty taking the time out to pamper myself so I can look halfway decent.
I am not even a good pregnant lady. My friend just gave birth today and she was still driving around and taking her daughter everywhere with her yesterday. I can't drive during my last month because I get too big and am too short to sit all the way back. Plus I can't turn myself fully around to watch for traffic because my stomach is in the way. She was still happy and glowing, the tiredness doesn't even show on her face. She said she didn't even feel like she's pregnant! *Insert eye roll here*. Of course she also gave birth naturally with each of her child, this time without an epidural. I, on the other hand, never had an easy pregnancy. I get super exhausted by the end of the day and all I want to do is go to sleep or just lay there. I never feel good and I always get so big and uncomfortable early. My body just doesn't take pregnancy well. I wanted to cry when I first found out I was pregnant with this one thinking about all the things I had to go through again. She, on the other hand, was already planning to be pregnant again yesterday.
If I can't even get my act together for one..how the heck am I going to juggle two??!!
5 comments:
It will all come together once baby comes, trust me!! I had the same emotions when I was pregnant with #2 and everything I imagined it to be (negative) all ended up on a good note...
I'm excited for your pregnancy!!
And your future life plan, you've pretty much covered it all - except for the 'k', but you gained a wonderful family!!
I hope you don't get upset, but I had to laugh when I read your post. I found myself relating to it. I think we all have these moments. I feel so excited when I do some house chores and cook dinner and clean the kitchen afterwards. Of course, this rarely happens. Poor Esteban is always doing the cooking, cleaning, entertaining Jayden and taking care of the outdoors. And then, if something doesn't get done or it get's done, but not how I like it, BEWARE! Plus he's working 50 - 60 hours per week while I am home laying around, hoping for a chance to take a nap.
Don't worry. I had a life plan like you, but I didn't achieve most of it. I would never trade in my current life for that dream life that I had imagined long ago. I know you wouldn't either.
I haven't had a haircut in ages also. My hairstyle consists of a hair clip. Sometimes I vary it by how much hair I can get into the clip. My make up consists of blush and mascara and that's only when I have to go to work. And right now, I am down to mu-mu's since I can't even fit into my preggo clothes. Yesterday, I thought I was dying or in labor, and I couldn't even imagine driving home with Jayden for 45 minutes and taking care of things when I got home, but somehow I found the strength to take care of the dog, unload my car, put Jayden down for the night and take care of myself. All by myself, cause Esteban was working. I wanted to call him to come home so BAD!
Somehow, we manage to put ourselves last so we can take care of the important things and we find the strength from somewhere deep inside. So don't worry. You are not alone. You are doing an excellent job and you will keep it up when you have your second child. I know it.
Grace - I hope mine will all end up on a good note also. I hope I will be able to take care of 2 as effortless as you seem to be doing.
Elizabeth - You are too sweet. I can always count on you to pick me up with your heartfelt words. Thank you for understanding. Misery loves company. :) You are actually doing much more than I would. I guess I would have to if Hieu works at night like Esteban but since he's not, I get to just lay around.
This reminds me so much of myself! lol
I know all about the showers and the ponytails. The clothes and the makeup.
You think six months is bad! I havn't had a haircut in almost two years!!!
Something happens when we are a mother and we put ourselves on the back burner.
I think each of us as parents are surprised at how much we are not like what we thought we were going to be. For me, I always thought I would have the newborn/toddler years and couldn't wait until they got early. If only I had known how much I would love it all...lol
I don't think it really matters if your hair is done, have it all together, as long as the little one feels loved. At least that is how I feel and taking a shower, have you thought about taking a shower with little one playing? We did at that age (and right now...it's the only way she will take one lol) and she LOVED the shower (but not all kids do).
I know pregnancy sucks for many people, I am usually fine until the last trimester and then I'm just wanting to get it over. But maybe this time it will be a little bit different for you (I can hope for you right?? hehe) and you will enjoy it a little bit more. I know it will be harder with a little around now, but it will go by so fast.
BTW, I have totally went off the beaten track for my life plan. I became a stay at home mom, which I swore I would NEVER do...and I love every minute of it (then I found a part time job at home so I could help out my family more). I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
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