There's no denying it anymore. I am pregnant.
I am still in shock. I can't believe it. I am just not ready. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for this blessing and I am sure I just need to get used to the idea..but my gosh, Ky-An just turned one! I am not ready for the uncomfortable nights of pregnancy, the stress and the worry while pregnant. I am not ready for the sleepless nights and breastfeeding. What if my baby is not healthy? How am I going to handle that? I seriously think I will have a breakdown if that happens. I don't even know how to get Ky-An to sleep in his own bed. Everytime I look at him I want to cry, I feel so bad for him. He's not going to have me all to himself anymore. I can't give him all the attention he wants anymore. On top of that, he has a difficult night tonight. He only slept for 30 minutes from my last post. So I put him down a little earlier for the night because he was so tired. He slept at 7:00p.m. and woke up crying at 8:30. There's no getting him back to sleep, he keeps crying and crying. I took him out for a little bit and try to put him to sleep again at 9. I tried everything from the flutterby, sing to him, even craddle him, and swing him. Nothing worked. I am not sure what's wrong. I have a strong suspicion it's the milk because he did this last time I put him on it. Tomorrow I am putting him on Next Step formula for sure.
So Ky-An's bad night on top of this big news I got, I want to cry. How am I going to handle two of them? I can barely handle one! The times that Hieu and I bd, I can count it on one hand. When we were trying for Ky-An, it took us 12 months of temping AND being on Clomid. When we tried for Lan Vy, it took us 6 months. This time we decide to let nature run its course because I don't want to stress about ttc'ing again. I just never thought it would happen so quickly. I only had one cycle for goodness sake.
I've had the suspicion that I am for a while but I keep denying it. At first AF didn't come but my cycle was really irregular after my last birth so I wasn't worry. Then I start having aversions to some sort of food, but I figure maybe I was sick. Today I took Ky-An out for a walk and starts getting light-headed and nauseous. I went home and decide I should take the test to know once and for all. I really hope the test would be negative and that will be it. When I saw the positive on the test, my first reaction is "Oh no no no no". Isn't that horrible? I hope my baby knows that he/she is loved. Mommy is just in shock right now.
I left the test out for Hieu to see and wouldn't you know it, he didn't know what it meant. He took the news much better than me, but also nervous and worry. He still doesn't know how to put Ky-An to sleep and he can't bathe him. We have no help, what are we going to do? He knew I am not ready for this big news and told me whatever I want to do is fine with him. It's my body. Oh my goodness, getting rid of this baby is not even an option I thought of. I am in shock about the news, I am not ready but no way I am getting rid of my child. Hieu went out and bought an EPT test so we can be sure since the other test was left over from before Ky-An. I took the test as soon as I got it. There was barely enough pee to even cover the stick. I guess I hope that it would make the test negative. Nope..there's no denying it. The test turned positive as soon as it got wet. I will have to find a way to handle this happy news. There's no other choice.
We just start putting some of Ky-An's gear away like the steamer and his small bottles. I just feel so bad that we are doing this to him. Every time anyone asked when are we having another one, we always said not for a while. We want to enjoy him first. We are such liars. He barely get our attention and now he has to share it. Am I even going to be fair to my new baby when I feel so bad for Ky-An? What are we going to do with Ky-An when I am in the hospital. We still get bills from Ky-An's hospital stay! Did I already mention I am not ready??!!!
3 comments:
Ok, first of all I know how you feel. And Congrats!
After I lost my first son, I wanted another baby so bad, I tried for over a year and got Jaden, I was not trying for another, and also only had one cycle when I became pregnant with Jasmine, also right after Jaden turned one.
I went through all the things you are feeling, Jaden also still slept with me!
I thought I could not love the new baby as much, and felt so bad for Jaden.Jaden was so special to me, he made me feel like a mother again,I spoiled him so much!
Jaden still slept with me,him on one side and Jasmine on the other!
Just remember, you will have a few months to get ready for a new one. And your heart will open for the new baby as well.
First of all, Congratulations!
Secondly--BREATHE! You can do this. You just need time to get over the shock of the whole thing.
Don't hate yourself for not loving the idea of having another baby right away. It's perfectly natural to feel like that, considering this baby is a surprise. You've got plenty of time to get used to the idea of having another baby. You've also got plenty of time to prepare for it.
Don't forget that by the time this baby gets here, KyAn will be close to two. He'll be walking and running, talking, and able to play by himself. It won't be as difficult as it is now. He will be more independent. You've read my posts on the things Jocelyn does--he'll be about the same age. Trust me, it gets much easier taking care of them.
I realize KyAn doesn't like his crib, and that's fine too. Give him the next 6 months in your bed. Then perhaps look into getting him a big boy bed. Jocelyn started sleeping in a twin-sized bed when she was 19 months old. I sit at the end of her bed at night until she falls asleep, then I leave. Usually she sleeps through the night in it. Occasionally she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to be in our bed, and that's fine. It all works out.
Will KyAn be jealous of the new baby? Sure. But he would have jealous feelings if he was 1, 3, 5, whatever. He will be absolutely fine. And he's gaining a playmate. You aren't doing anything TO him. Once that baby's in the house it will just be a natural thing for him. He's certainly not going to have feelings of, "Gee, I wish I had Mommy and Daddy all to myself again". Kids adapt to the situation they're in.
So, take time to adjust to the idea of having another baby. There's nothing wrong with you for not feeling ready. You certainly don't have to announce it to the whole world yet. But you can do it. You will love this baby as much as you love KyAn. And soon you won't be able to imagine your life without this newest addition.
Congratulations! There must be something in the water, I think. ^_^ So, do you have any idea when you are due?
I know the feelings of overwhelmed panic, and William is a few years older than KyAn! But I look at it this way. Women for centuries before us have done just fine with two and even more kids. You will do fine! And so will I! *hugs*
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