Happy 3rd Birthday Ky-An!!!

Dear Ky-An,

After your sister passed away, there was a huge hole in mommy and daddy's heart.  Our arms feel empty for the baby that we wanted to love and hold.  We wanted so badly to have someone to give all the love we have..but you didn't come easily to us.  I guess God wants to make sure that we know what a gift you are and make sure we are prepare for it.  It took 2 years of praying and trying before I could get pregnant with you.

Mommy and daddy were so happy when we found out you are coming into our life.  So happy and so terrified at the same time.  The entire 40 weeks I was pregnant with you, we were on pins and needles.  I barely do anything physical the entire pregnancy as to not "disturb" you.  I would get so worry whenever I can't feel you moving and thought for use you were taken away from us.  We found a wonderful doctor who understood my anxiety and saw us every week the first 3 months.  Then as everything seem to be going okay, she phase it and see us every 2 weeks instead.  I would get so nervous that I was on the verge of an anxiety attack before each appointment.  Every time I walk into the doctor's office, I expect her to deliver some horrible news to me and then my worst fear would be confirm, that I wouldn't be able to meet you.  I am reassured after I get to see you on the ultrasound at each appointment and then the cycle starts all over again.

To make matter worst, your pregnancy was not a smooth one.  The doctor does your measurement every visit to make sure you don't have the same condition as your sister. The first scare was when she told us your limbs are measuring short and that you may have dwarfism syndrome.  We asked if it's fatal and she said no and that's all we cared about.  Fortunately you had a growth spurt and everything was normal again in the next visit.  The next issue was your head measuring too big, then the echo in your heart, and your liver seems large.  The doctor pushed us to get the amniocentesis because of some markers she was concern about.  Luckily she respected our decision and continue to monitor you through ultrasounds.  I then had a sign of pre-term labor and had to wear a monitor with limited mobility for a month.  All this anxiety and stress was more than worth it when I got to hold you for the first time.
 

The day finally came for us to meet you and your dad and I was a nervous wreck.  We stayed up all night praying and preparing ourselves for the worst.  Our worst fear is that this is my last day being with you and honestly, I wasn't going to able to handle that.  We were still dramatized by what happened with your sister so we didn't tell anyone about the happy news until I was 4 months pregnant with you.  Even then I only told grandma and your aunt because your aunt is pregnant with Tam Nhu and felt horrible out it.  We didn't inform anyone else of the pregnancy except few close friends.  We didn't let anyone throw us a baby shower for fear of jinxing the outcome.  I didn't buy anything for you except for a going-home outfit and even with that, I was preparing for the worst.

We got into the surgery room and your dad and I held our breath.  I almost pass out of nervousness waiting to hear that beautiful cry of yours.  Your first cry was literally music to my ears.  Your cry meant so many things to us; that you were able to take your first breath; that you are healthy; and that we may get a chance to love again.  We finally breathe a sigh of relief and allow ourselves to believe for the first time after 2 long years that we will get to be parents.  We were finally happy. 

Since then on, I love every moment you cry.  I am probably the few moms out there who just love to hear the sound of you crying.  I sometimes will let you cry longer than necessary just to look at that adorable scrunched up face.  We would just sit there and watch you sleep to marvel at this little being who has become the center of our universe.  I wanted to watch you day and night so you end up sleeping on our bed.

We had a huge hole in our hearts and you fill in such a special way.  Your dad was so devastated after Lan Vy's funeral that I pray for a child to put a smile on his face every day.  Sweetie, you are the answer to my prayers in so many way.   Ever since you came into our life, it is full of laughter.  You make your dad so happy that he beams every time he talks about you.  The older you get, the harder it is for me to imagine life without you.  I am constantly amaze at your achievements and your imagination.  You are always a gentle and sensitive guy who touches everyone you meet with a special bond.  There is not a single person who meet you who wasn't affect by your personality.  You are such a great sharer even before you understand the concept.  You have always been thoughtful and considerate to others..even before you know what those words mean. 

Son, I love you in so many special ways.  I love your little snores at night.  I just love how your hair is matted to your head and we are not sure who you inherit that from.  I love how you like to cuddle my arm before going to sleep.  I love that you are such a fast learner.  I love that you make us laugh everyday and fill our hearts with so much happiness.  I love your little dimple smile and the way you talk with fragments.  I love that you are so kind and loving towards your little sister.  I love that you are such a good boy who knows how to listen to his mommy and daddy. I love that you are little boy who still loves to cuddle. 

I wish for you to continue to develop properly, be healthy, and above all..be happy.  It is such an honor to be the mommy to such an incredible person.  I love you sweetheart and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Ky-An - the first year:
 

2nd year:
     

 

3rd year: