Today is my off Friday and I usually look forward to spending a whole day with Ky-An. However this week I was really exhausted for some reason. I just knew I couldn't physically take care of Ky-An all day on my own. Especially when he keep wanting me to hold him when he's tired. I took care of by myself for a couple of hours in the morning on July 4th while Hieu slept in because he went to see the Transformer midnight showing with Chi the night before. I just couldn't keep up with Ky-An in that several hours and was so relieved when Hieu woke up.
Because of that, I knew I couldn't physically take care of Ky-An the whole day by myself. Knowing is one thing but how I felt emotionally is something totally different. I asked my oldest sister for advice and she agreed I should take him to the babysitter's and get some rest. She said I have to think about my little baby Ai-Vy and her well-being also. Hieu agreed but even though I had their reassurances, it doesn't help me with the guilt that overflows me.
I was still teethering on what to do that morning and just felt awful I had to drop him off at the babysitter's while I stay home alone. My head and my heart are in conflict and neither are winning. Logically I knew my babysitter can take better care of him today than I could but it doesn't stop me from feeling like a bad mom or even a failure. A lot of stay-at-home moms have to take care of their toddler everyday on top of being pregnant, why can't I? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I am just too spoiled.
Hieu suggests that I pick him up at lunch and I honestly didn't think that's enough time for me to rest but felt so guilty saying it. I tried to tell Hieu that's 5 hours until he gets home, that's not really 1/2 day. He didn't understand what I was trying to say and I felt too bad to explain it to him. I feel that if I say out loud that I don't want to keep Ky-An for 5 hours, I would cry. I mean, what kind of horrible mom doesn't want to spend time with her child? I was on the verge of tears when Hieu took him to the car and took him to the babysitter's. Luckily he didn't cry and want to stay home or I would've break down and have him home with me.
Well, gotta get some chores done and rest a little so I don't have to go through this again.
3 comments:
Yes you can!! Once baby comes, you'll be surprised at how much you can juggle (it was like that for me).....
Don't feel bad for wanting to get some rest because you need it and baby needs it!! Ky-An will be in good hands while you rest.... don't you worry!
I don't think you are a terrible mom or a failure, but I think you can do more than you think. There were days where all I could do was lay on the couch and hope that Jayden behaved. We've all been there. It takes time to get used to though but it will be great practice for you when you have the baby on top of Ky-An. Try not to beat yourself up about it.
Don't feel guilty. I think you are in your third trimester already, right? You need more rest.
Take good care of yourself first before you can take care of Ky-An & Ai-Vy.
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